I am just Me. Am I?

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Nice end to a whole day of TV on the laptop...

Bwahaha...for all the time I was awake...I was really always watching the tv.

First channel U, then 8, then 5...before ending the night at Rei's room watching Haunted Mansion!

It's a cool movie, packed with action, spook, and most important of all...courage, and LOVE.

Good old Walt Disney familyness!

I loved it!

And hopefully...I'll get back down to earth finally and start panicking for my papers.

Gem...gotta score full marks i think...the entire WORLD is so smart...Even if I DO score full'll only get me a B at most i think...;P

my SS...there's actually a CHANCE that i'll score an A...IF i study of course.

It's already Sat.

Lord, I pray that I'll study and not waste my time anymore.

And thank you for such a wonderful day. =)

Friday, April 16, 2004

Idiotic me

I was pleasantly surprised when I received an overseas call from a friend!

Friend, (W) was a little bit upset cos the other half back here (Y) in S'pore was upset.

Perhaps of the fact that W might be taking up a summer job and will only be back in July. Y probably missed W too much cos' Y did mention that if only W wasn't studying somewhere so far away...W also went through alot of "struggles" before telling Y abt the summer plans. Not that W doesn't want to come back, but opportunities don't come knocking so often.

Are long-distance relationships really so hard to maintain? I've always thought simply, so long as 2 people are in love, and there's constant communication, what can go wrong??

But perhaps i'm wrong. I told W to keep reassuring Y that W loves Y and misses Y and what not. But W said..."won't that make it worse? it might seem that it's W's fault that W wants to stay back and then end up missing Y so much." what's right? To let the other half know that you're happy and doing well and hope that he/she will be happy for you. (and risk him thinking that you can go on without him) Or constantly remind him/her about your affections and thoughts and make him/her miss you too?

What works? So...does being with each other solve everything? I guess being with each other physically makes alot of difference...doesn't matter if you know every single detail of his/her life elsewhere...being apart makes a difference?

I really don't know. And suddenly, I'm glad I'm spared of all these...

I just wish...that all my friends turn out fine. Cos' they are people whom I love and I believe they all love each other too!

Idiotic me

I must learn to forgive myself.

I started to sleep once I tried to study...

Just woke up

What's the meaning of this?!?!



Idiotic me

I feel like an idiot. Really.

Why am I such a messy girl?

Just found this note paper which I've actually bothered to take down during a lecture.

And it actually held the "key" to one of my exam papers.

I had the answer scribbled on it.

If only I found it one week earlier and took a look at it...Maybe I'll have a vague idea...and most likely would have brought it into the examination hall.

Then I probably wouldn't have wasted so much time on that essay and do a much better job with the rest...

I suck! And After stoning for another hour after breakfast, I still dunno what I should study when actually I don't have much time left!

Forever...courting my death.


Thursday, April 15, 2004


Went to suntec's new food court! Food was ok...wasn't like fantastic (I had kimchi ramen which looked like high class maggi mee but the ikan billis and e kimchi (side dishes) were tasty! ;P) But i liked the environment! Spacious, brightly lit...heee...

Youjie and I kind of did some "catching-up" during and after felt good to be communicating once again! It wasn't that I really understood all that he said...but it didn't long as I found out more about my they are, the little things that happened in the past...

That's the best thing about interaction, you constantly find out new things about your friends...=)

And it felt good walking around town...looking at stuff...and just walking basically...My feet are actually abit tired! Guess that's what will happen to you if you sit around and read too much!

Hmm...American Idol was not bad....watching OC now...and thinking of my bed...=)


Have been stoning for the LONGEST time.

I just laid around...thinking of where to eat later!! bwahha...what kind of wonderful life is that?!!?

Going out with a jc classmate for dinner soon! It's a last minute thing but i guess I'm happy to get out for a while! Not that I've been couped up for very's been less than a week...but I feel like I wanna breathe....

AND i want AIR-CON! bwahaha...can go walk walk later! So happy! But too bad abit aimless too leh...should think of what I can buy...and yet try not to spend too much...hmm...

Sheesh...think I'm getting fat again. Was never slim but hai...

Why is the entire world so slim and getting ever thinner?


Now that I'm back in my room sitting in front of my computer...things suddenly seemed so unreal...

Had very "restless" nights for the past 2 days. Dunno if it's stress of it's the heat but I haven't been able to get good quality sleep...Either I kept waking up or it's just that I can't seem to get my brain to rest. It's like on "high-alert" mood and I have LOTS of dreams...

Tried to sleep from 11pm till 2am last night. FInally dragged myself out of bed, went straight down to comm. hall to study armed with alot of tea and ginseng...

I surprised myself by staying there from about 2:45 all the way till 10:45...

the place started to "empty" out by 6am...the last guy sitting behind me left...So I was the last girl SITTING. bwahaha...(I can still crack lame jokes!) ;P It was nice down least I didn't feel like I was sweating my life away...

But two consecative days of endless readings and studying...I didn't think I could take it...But I did!!! With the help of coffee and tea and yang sheng of cos! But I did!!! I read what I could...Felt really stressed and stupid when I couldn't figure out some things...Felt like I was on such "high tension"...never felt to "stretched" mentally before...

But I hung on! And yeah...The macro paper was not good...didn't do a full 30 marks...but at least I felt the sense of urgency, I tried my best not to dwell too much on the questions and I did the paper to the best of my abilities I had no regrets! (yeah...except for the fact that I should have been more conscientious) But wow...I was in fact rather proud of myself! But when I was about to leave the table I felt like I couldn't stand properly...My head feels really light...Guess all the stress and lack of rest is getting to me...But...why am I still feeling so "uptight"? Don't seem to feel tired or sleepy...Though I know I should be getting some quality rest now...I feel like going out instead!

Ahhhhh..........2 more papers to go....Should I capitalize on this "workaholic" streak in me now and continue to study?!?!

AHH...i must be MAD!

GO sleep!!!

Wednesday, April 14, 2004


Which [5 Elements] are you?

It is rather reflective though I must say...despite it being very vague at the same time...


No...things were not supposed to turn out this way.

But all went wrong starting from the time I got into bed.

Right after lunch, yeah, as predicted I became SUPER sleepy.

Slept abit on my table. COULD AND SHOULD have been satisfied. But I sleep a while on the bed wouldn't do much harm.

So I slept...A 20 min nap turned into an hr, then another hr...finally...3 hours!!!!!!!!!!

I wasted 3 hours on bed not really RESTING but having silly dreams! Of me living with a new friend, met up with an old one, saw her in cheongsam, searched for a pair of green addidas shoes (which i supposedly shared with my room mate) where lots of people were having massages, running though jungles with bus stops and letting a plow fall on my head...

OH MY GOSH.......

It's like I do not have a paper tomorrow! THE MOST IMPORTANT and YET NOT STUDIED FOR paper at that!!



Guess I can only try to make up for it NOW.


I slept through all the way from 1 pm till 3pm on the bed...3:05 was the time i finally "decided" to wake up....

The same time tomorrow I would have finished my exam...and yet I spent today's on the bed dreaming bizaare dreams.

Is this an omen? I really don't know...

HOPEFULLY it's notthing bad...




To pick up again

I can't believe myself...after spending the whole Monday night watching tv...i SO made it up by reading n reading the whole of tues away...

IN fact, i read so much and with so much concentration i believe it's the first time i've managed to cramp so many things within a day.

Felt REALLY stressed until I bumped into my crush! Haha...though i only knocked into his shoulders...(I didn't even know that it was him cos' i was looking away) dunno why, but when he went "ooi"..I was very suddenly very "high". I like that kind of feeling, that elation, though for what I dunno but it made me happier even if it was only for a while!

Tried sleeping at 12..wanted to wake up at 5am to continue reading...


It was so BLOODY hot...and I dunno why but I just couldn't sleep peacefully SO i finally woke up stinky and tried to study with my sticky legs, hands and everything else!

Paper's over...relieved more than anything else! I know I didn't do spectacularly well cos' many things were not mentioned...but I was still glad it's over...

Just had lunch and as predicted...I'm starting to fall asleep...I probably shouldn't have finished that disgusting pea and ham soup and ate so much beans...

It's macro econs tmr...I'm so dead...should I get a MC???


Monday, April 12, 2004


Truth is...I wish that I could cry so that I'll pick it up from there and continue to study. There's ALOT left to study!!!

But I can't cry.

So I'm not too sure how I'm feeling now.

Just know that I don't feel like doing anything constructive. So i'm watching more tv...though i know it's not right.

But...i did pray to God last night. And I managed to wake up at 5:30 this morning miraculously...and didn't take too long a nap after that.

I could really absorb for once...

SO I should at least be thankful for that right?

Yeah...Actually I am...



I can't help but feel like chiding myself again.

Now i can understand how people can flunk an open book paper. Cos I am.

I read and read and read. Finished the entire textbook and notes! Was all comfortable...until it started.

Open book sucks. There's so much information, I know it's there...So I wanna read through it all, digest it, and then write it down.

But within 2 hours....there's only so much I can do...

So in the midst of flipping..time ticked past.

My brain didn't function like I would want it to...

Hand refused to move faster.

Brain told me to copy a whole LOAD of crap.

Then I WASTED half an hr writing things that were largely irrelevant.

Wrote a statement for a 10 marks essay.

Spent 15 mins on a 20 marks one which I am probably most confident of...


Sunday, April 11, 2004

vicious cycle...

I never seem to be able to break through.

I'm starting to hate myself all over again.

But...fact is this time round, I constantly reminded myself an entire month ago about my upcoming exams.

Within 2 weeks I kept "telling" myself that studying ought to begin.

Throughout the entire study week, I kept reminding myself how little time I have left and that I shouldn't be falling behind schedule all the time and watching so much tv...

But nothing worked. Nothing.

Until just, when the reality REALLY hits me. Then I get all upset and it shows all over my stressed-up face and it's my neighbours who gotta bear with it all.


Why won't I ever "improve"?? Is it inherent laziness? How can i always manage to find excuses for myself for not studying hard, then later regretting that...cos' I know that I can always do better???

Am I really that insignificant and not cut out to be something greater than what I am now? A slacker who's always wishing that she'll be lucky enough to survive the ordeals of the exams?

WHat's wrong with me??

I really dunno...