At a loss

My weight has been on the increase ever since...last 2 weeks ago?

And the worst thing is...the more I want to diet, the more I seem to eat.

Something is really quite wrong.

The scales have hit even greater heights.

This suck big time.

Gotta think of more solutions.

Think fat shuhui.

Think.

Barred

Renovations or rather repainting has been taking place at my hdb estate area.

The barricades have been put up for quite sometime. It didn't really inconvenience me alot cos' I only had to walk abit more.

But the "mushrooms" in front of my flat was torn down yesterday.

Hmm...not that it's that significant...but well...hahaha...dunno why i'm saying this.

The flats are nearly done with the new coat of paint. Soon my area will look like it's brand new. Lucky I think the colours are ok...not VERY pretty but acceptable.

Things change very fast...don't they?

Bored

I'm bored to my skull in the office...which is REALLY weird...cos' everyone else is stressed with ALL the work they have to do...cos' alot of events are coming up...even the SA has alot of stuff to do...and i'm running out of websites to surf! Don't even know what or where I should go after work!

Am just worried about getting fat here.

Btw...someone new came into the office today.

I've no idea y but I felt unhappy when I first saw her...like there was an animosity amongst us...then I realized y.

She' YJ. The other girl helping out with the China section. Felt obsolete now that she's around...cos' she seem to know e other colleagues better.

AND...i was forced to SHIFT out of my work cubicle once she came back! But well...now that I think of it...it's not such a bad thing after all cos' I like my new place too! more spacious! heee....

Massive blackout!

An extensive blackout that affected at least 1/3 of Singapore happened last night!

It was pretty funny cos' whilst partying on the boat, our parents (esp. e girls' families) called us one by one to inform about the blackout.

Didn't think much about it actually cos' it wasn't exactly the first time a blackout has occurred...but as we realised the extent of the areas affected...a chatter started all about the blackout!

From CCK to AMK to Aljunied to Hougang! Wow...almost all our homes had no electricity!

Suddenly we felt "unlucky" we weren't there to experience it! It must have been quite a sight...or rather...NO sight since it was supposedly pitch dark everywhere. Even street lamps were not working.

My father called 3 times in all, 1. telling me abt e blackout and to bring a torch home (where to find torch?!!?). 2. Telling me to call home before I reach. 3. Telling me that the lifts are not working so i MUST call so that he can come rescue me with a torchlight.

Bwahaha...but when I went back at 12:30...all was well...seems that the electricity was restored at about midnight! Just when my mum was about to sleep...haha...so funny.

Sigh...I'm still rocking.

Fate?

Yesterday, whilst working and chatting with QY over the msn...she suddenly asked if I believe such a person exists in my life when we both heard "My Memory" on 933. (For those who dunno...it's a theme song of Dong Ji Lian Ge)

I immediately said "no". Am feeling rather cynical abt relationships and all. True love stories only happen in stories. Well, maybe one or two in real live. But that's all.

Then it was time for me to knock off. I took YJ's advice and decided to roam abt Raffles Place. It was there that I saw a familiar backview.

He must have been quite shocked to see me standing at the entrance waiting for him to turn over...it was quite funny. We then walked abt abit. Felt quite accomplished and "lucky" cos' we found a place at some corner which I didn't expect to find at all...

I dunno what's e whole point of this entry...bwahaha...just wanna note things down I guess.

In case I forget. ;P

Great party!

Went to twin's 21st bday party last night. It might be the lack of sleep but I STILL feel like i'm on the boat swaying left and right....oohhh...getting giddy already!

I'm not kidding.

HM's bday party took place on board a Chinese junk boat. It's quite a funky karaoke boat with lots of lights! Bwahahaha...many of her friends turned up! But amongst all her friends, the zwxh people were the ones who were really "silly" and could be said to be most "enthusiastic" cos' we put up a small performance for her entertainment. Junk ship Idol!

Though I must admit that the performance was quite flop...but we all had alot of fun! And I sure hope she liked it!

It's amazing...to be just on the boat, swaying to and fro...trying to walk about without falling...and just feel the breeze in the face.

I like that kind of feeling.

We tried dance to the music after that....there were also disco lights on the funky junk boat! I felt so energetic I thought I didn't dance enough...cos' not that MANY people on e dance floor mah...but still...I had fun laughing and screaming.

But on hind sight...i'm SO worn out and my feet hurts NOW. So I must have overexerted myself last night!

Bwahaha...it was a happy party.

Hope my twin feels blessed.

Cos' she is. =)

Reflections

It's almost 1am and I've gotta work tmr...but I still wanna blog first, just in case I forget what I want to say...

Have been doing some thinking abt y I reacted in dat way on Sun. At that point of time, the only thing on my mind was that I was very miserable I felt like I could hardly breathe. And that I didn't want to stay on to spoil things further, so I chose to escape. What I do best anyways. Even though I knew that the repercussions might be serious.

I know that they will be worried. But there was nothing I could do. Trust me, I tried. I tried to tell myself to smile...but everytime I do that, I just wanna cry harder. The worst thing is that I've no particular reason to do so! So I felt SUPER ridiculous.

Told Peijin perhaps I was being ren4 xing4. It's obvious that she didn't approve of my ways cos' she said she'll never do that. She'll continue to bear with it and deal with her emotions better.

Yeah. She's right. We ARE adults and are supposed to be sensible. I didn't really know y I reacted in such a strange way but it felt as if the monster in me was let loose...or that wilful kid in me. The spite and bitterness and unhappiness...it felt as though all that unpleasant stuff have been bottled to the max so much so that it took my breath away.

And it's only in front of my closest friends I can allow that ugly side of me to appear. But did I really do all that to gain attention? Mayb yes, mayb no. I really felt that it did me gd leaving.

Mayb others can't comprehend wat's gg on exactly. Neither can I. It's yet another quarter-life crisis.

I did think that yes...perhaps these friends of mine might never bother abt me again. But I still did what I did I should do at that point of time.

Blog. I've been feeling lonely. Yes, I've so much activities planned everyday! I seemed to be forever busy and happy and chirpy...but deep down inside...I wonder if I really am.

I only realised that I've been feeling empty and lonely after I chanced upon someone else's site.

Who are my friends?

And most importantly...who AM i?

I hate this sense of helplessness and inadequacy I'm engulfed in.

To HM, PJ and PK if you are reading this.

I'm really truly sorry. Didn't want to spoil anyone's day. I really did try. I did. Perhaps just not hard enough. I didn't know what else I could do then.

Perhaps I need some reassurance. Perhaps I need some love. Perhaps I need some counselling.

Perhaps.

But I know...that I should aim to make myself "lovable". I've been a selfish pok who indulges in self-pity and feels like the world has failed me. Ok...things are not so bad but I know i'm not perfect.

I shall aim to be a better person.

And I need to find my OWN self-worth instead of relying on my friends...they have their own monsters to deal with...and how can I expect them to spare so much time for me???

As we grow...we become less inquisitive...and let the other party decide for him/herself.

It's time I grew up...and learn to take care of myself.

And I will answer for my own actions.

New Cute guy in office

Was introduced to a new temp staff. He's supposed to replace this vietnam student, in charge of computers I think...he got a REALLY firm grip. (Too firm I think) and he even gave me a namecard! Errr...was quite shocked...but well, he's the president of Nus entrepreneurship society...I guess that's why he behaves so "pro".

He's not exactly VERY cute. But definitely going to be the next office eye candy. I think it's because he's well-groomed lah. Sorry Z, you always try to recommend CH. I know he's a nice guy, smart and all.

But i think I'm so superficial.

Looks do matter. ;P

But then again, I look like shit...esp. as compared to V. Why would M wanna take another look at me?

Bwahahaha...think too much already. Just look at him can already lah.

old spinster. to be

Triple 3 @ Meritus Mandarin

Yeah... that's where I've gone for dinner last night. Triple 3 buffet dinner. It was fun cos' the UE comm. had been looking forward to it and I actually met Siling and Zijin on bus 95 so we went down town together.

The buffet was GREAT! Zijin had this really cute idea about going for the seafood first. (then it'll be fresh) then the meat, then finally e desserts..skip the vegetables she said! ;P

The oysters were FANTASTIC! It's not at all fishy! It's a pity I only ate 3...the record amongst us was 9! (WJ) and 8 for SL and ZY! bwahahaha...but there were good sashimi! Salmon, Tuna...and all sorts of exquiste shrimp cocktail, nice prawns, mussels, eggplant with tuna...all sorts of fish...smoked, raw...even cheese grilled crayfish! It's just amazing! Then as planned, we went for the meat. Meanwhile though..silly ZJ took 2 slices of bread so she was full! (appetite too small)

The meats were not bad at all! I liked the lamb, duck, honey glazed ham and beef...only took a little bit of each yet I was very full already! Still...decided to go for the desserts.

Ate strawberries and cream...woo...the strawberries were heavenly! Jambu was sweet too! The pudding was positively sweet but nice. Custard waffle was nice too...the chocs were not exactly the BEST i've eaten but they were good!

Didn't give up after that...headed but to appetizers n got things like duck liver.

THEN...I almost died.

Was SO SO FULL yet headed back to desserts. Almost wanted to puke at a point of time...but luckily didn't lah. Though it's a treat...but it's still $52+++ WOW. This is like one of the most expensive meals I've ever eaten in my entire life.

Took a short walk and finally my stomach could digest abit...phew...didn't die afterall...and subsequently when we all had our fill...we started signing autographs on the posters...it was really fun! Haven't been doing this kind of thing for quite long...and well...though I didn't know alot of them very well but it was fun screaming for pens and posters! ;P

We took a long long time...took some photos...got our cds and certs...sang a birthday song...proceeded to lobby for more photos and finish up the autographing...decorating posters...

FINALLY left at about 11:30.

That explains why i'm so tired today...it's ALL the food plus going home late!

Hahaha...still...it was a good monday.

Monday not blue...

It has been a good monday so far.

My supervisor is on leave.

Both my bosses have not dealt out "new work" for me to do...I've completed all the translation that I had on hand last week...

So it's like a rather "lazy monday". Cos' I surf websites at my own leisure...though I think it's time to buck up again cos' it's already 4pm and I've alot of information which I need about China still!

Work for the brochure!

Work!!!

Paranoia

Finally...someone responded.

My case of paranoia is more serious than I thought. HY is right. Maybe I should be looking for a therapist.

But still...I think that'll probably make my mum quite upset. I mean...how can she take it if her daughter turns out to be some lunatic? What will she think? Somehow all these doesn't seem too promising.

Btw...it wouldn't be good either if it's expensive. My family won't be able to spare that kind of money.

Maybe I should put it on my wish list.

a) Introduce a therapist to me.

Bwahahaha....

I always tend to do things which I'll regret.

Suddenly feel that everyone has a monster in him or her that needs to be unleashed every now and then.

And I tend to let it out when I'm with my closest friends. And it just bites and hurts.

I apologised first thing this morn...yet none of my friends have gotten back to me. I was thinking...if this were to continue...i'll REALLY lose all my friends...when they can't put up with my nonsense anymore.

Bwahaha...how fast this is happening.

What to do? I asked for it...haha...

Way to go shuhui!

Saturday

It's the best day of my work at FE so far! I liked this combination of colleagues! A new girl called YR came! She's very nice and sweet...

In the morn, there were very few customers...S and I thought business would be bad today...but surprisingly the crowd came after lunch time and the sales were good! And I enjoyed working with my colleagues...we chatted abit, did our work...and sometimes when we were tired, the rest would "cover" our duties and allowed us to take a breather.

And S and C were so nice! They both told me that they missed having my around...that they are happy to see me...and that...well, because of that...i felt happy that I can do them a service and buy them chicken chop plus toast! =)

What a contrast to today...why do I have such a sad Sunday?

Talk about mood swings.

Now that I've let out all steam and cried till i'm tired...i've the "xin qing" to do such tests! But I like my Jap names!

This is what my Hanyu Pinyin name churned out...

My japanese name is 秋本 Akimoto (autumn book) 美月 Mitsuki (beautiful moon).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

My Chinese characters...

My japanese name is ?谷川 Hasegawa (long valley river) 明日香 Asuka (fragrance of the bright day).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

Which one is nicer?

I can't decide...

Reliance

Dear blog...I think i'm starting to rely on you too much. I feel like I can only talk to you...and myself.

My tear glands must have been way too active. Not very good for my poor eyes I think. But sometimes i'm amazed at how my tears can just roll off my face. I should try being an actress.

Actually. I'm one confused person.

Z told me that she'ld prefer that I host the group of chinese students who will be visiting the sch on 14th July cos' i'm more bubbly and cheery as compared to another SA. (whom i've never seen but imagined to be very si wen according to Z's description) Now that really got me thinking cos' I never thought I was bubbly. Am always like tired and lethargic looking in the office...And i've been relatively quiet cos' i always only sat around to listen to their conversations. And i don't make noise unnecessarily plus I keep to myself most of the time...so how does Z know that I'm bubbly on the outside?

I wonder?

Then she told me another "secret". Someone in e office says that i'm pretty. I wonder who but that person mustn't have good taste. Cos' i'm fat and always wearing specs.

Either that...he must have exception good taste. To be able to see the beauty that lies in me which even I can't even see!

I dunno.

Friday

Friday was an exciting day! My colleague Z and I went for the "many stars' concert"! Before that we even had this really nice dinner at this little cafe in Swissotel. I'm pretty shocked that i agreed to go there...guess i dun really wanna seem stingy in front of my colleague...besides, i'm not exactly stingy so well.

The restaurant is nice and quiet. Spent $17 on this chicken and snail sausage! Bwahha..yes...it's just sausage with whipped potato but it's good! Plus there's bread so I was full.

The concert

It was pretty fun cos' it's been sometime since I've gone for such a concert. Maybe...at least 2 to 3 years? How time flies.

It's only when the concert started that I truly am glad I blew $150 cos' it's just different when you can see the faces of the people. We're not exactly THAT near cos' we procrastinated and only bought the tics late last week but it's good enough I guess.

Fan Yi Cheng is the representative for this campaign for fund collections for the poor and ill kids. I think he's pretty cute and I like some of his songs.

Then Chong Qing and Lingzhi came out as emcees...it's such a strange feeling...to see Chong Qing once again, I recalled the time when ZW, HM, YH and I went for this 933 concert with many celebrities but we cheered loudy for CQ. Bwahahah...he didn't respond then. And we were complaining. Today though...i've got a chance to take a close look at him.

Next was A Bao and Brandy. Sorry...i'm not sure who these people are...but I appreciate them for their energy and youth.

Qiu Zhe came...I guess quite alot of ppl where pretty taken aback initially cos' he sports a new haircut and look like this drug addict (the lighting made him seem REALLY pale). He's really very "cool", he's a man of few words and the way he speaks really remind me of a punk or simply a typical a-beng. Yet he is very charismatic and can motivate the audience to move along with him...I can understand why people like him already...he's cute and he can play the guitar quite well! He brought his rock band along from taiwan...appears that his dream is to do rock music...not become another "love song prince". Not bad...there are too many of those singers nowadays anyways...good to have his own "feng ge".

Jiang Mei Qi has an absolute powerful and great voice!

Penny is SO SO stylo but she's got such a small frame too!

THEN THEN...ZAI ZAI came out...I couldn't believe it! So like other crazy fans, I ran forward so that I could see him closer. I like concerts...so it made me realised that these "stars" are just humans...any other human...just that they perhaps look 10 times better. I was so excited and happy! Even after I was "shooed" back (along with many other people) by the security people, I didn't give up and stood on my chair to see more of him! As I was trying to "shoot" him with my digital cam...my batt went flat! I couldn't believe it...until I recalled that the bag i'm carryin today has extra batts! Can't believe my good luck really. Zai zai is really very cute and funny! I love him so much! Cos' his jokes and actions make me laugh...and I think his singing has improved tremendously. He has gained quite a lot of confidence being on stage too! I think he has "grown up"! It was worth it...to be "shouted" at but I insisted on being a brat and standin on the chair...so many others are doing that too mah!

Last was of cos' Jerry! He's so amazing attractive! It must be his smile. I love his radiant smile and zai zai's watery eyes! Sigh...what handsome guys...no wonder so many people in this world are so captivated by them. but he can't really sing man...hahaha...sigh...still...people love him all the same! This fan even started to cry! Think she must be touched to be able to see him upclose!

I'm glad I went for the concert.

SUCKY

Today, 27th June, Sunday is a lousy day. In fact, it sucks to the MAX. FUCK FUCK FUCK this entire world.

It probably shouldn't be. And I shouldn't be home at this time.

Not when I had looked forward to this day for a long long time. And I had told all my colleagues that it'll be a great day today cos' I'll be going ktv-ing with 3 of my best friends.

Yes. I dunno what came over me.

Waited half an hour for the bus. I feel frustrated when I think that I could have gotten Chinatown if I were to cross the road to take another bus, or if I had just taken the bus there so that I'll save abit of money.

When the bus finally came, I might have been able to squeeze into it. But I didn't really want to. The next bus came only after another 5 mins. I feel so pissed. But all the time I was just trying to calm myself down and tell myself that it is all retribution for doing things which i shouldn't have done.

Well maybe the retribution got out of hand. I felt so bad I really didn't feel like singing. But I went, I wonder y? Got there...and everything just seems sucky. My friends left for the ktv as I told them to...I reached there, asked for the room number. They didn't say. Asked the reception, he was like "so many people came in, how I know?" Best.

My friends were nice, they tried asking me if I want a drink, if I want to sing. But NO. I didn't feel like singing, and I didn't want to pay for the drink. It's totally not worth it. But once I got there...I just felt stifled in that small dark room. I got a really nice present from one of them, so I started reading it and dunnpo why tears just started to roll...I dun wanna be there. So i called my mum. But I felt like an IDIOT wasting $1.40 train fare just to sit for 5 mins. So i told myself to smile.

In fact, I tried to smile whilst walking there but the forced smile only seemed to make me feel worse.

Decided that I can't stay in there any longer so I just went to walk around Chinatown abit. Found some steps and sat there crying, looking at cars drive pass and a handful of people walking by. It's ridiculous...what am I crying about? I'm not ditched, my family is well...nothing is wrong! In fact, I just "consoled" another friend of mine and told her i'm lucky i've friends. Yeah right. Really...nothing is wrong except me feeling like i'm disgustingly fat. but aside of that, nothing is wrong. Yet I felt as miserable as I can get.

Got back to the room shortly after I received a sms from one of them. They knew I was taking a walk. Sat down for a while, told myself that I can't be wasting my money like that...I should sing...so I tried to find the songs which I wanted to sing...but the remote and the computer won't respond to me. FINE.

They tried making me sing, I thought...ok...though i didn't really feel like singing those songs...but at least I'm singing, but I felt so lousy. I sound terrible. Y? I practised! bwahaha...not that it really mattered in front of my friends, i'm not hoping to be a singer. But I still felt like shit.

I tried to think, where else can i go? who else can i ask to go out with me? It's then I realise...I actually have no one to turn to. I've no friends...So i took deep breaths and told myself to stay, it's ok...

But it's not. I dun wanna stay in that small room, though it's already much better than I thought, at least the room didn't stink. but I just couldn't stay. But what can I tell them? They are so happily singing away, they dun need me around. In fact, y shld they sit there and look at my sulky face and me just refusing all the stuff they offered me?

"want to eat snacks?"

No.

"want to sing?"

NO.

"Are you ok?"

No response.

They dun deserve this. They did nothing wrong. Or is it because they once abandoned me to go on a trip together? No, I thought about it a few days ago and I thought I came to terms with it.

Or is it because this supposedly important people didn't write me a single letter or even attempted to call me whilst I was away in China for 6 mths? But then again, they are not to be blamed. None of my other friends did that too. But at least I knew R wanted to send me a postcard just that she never got down to it. I can understand. I've been a very lazy friend at times too.

Or is it because I'm having an attitude problem, and they never even tried looking for me? Maybe they did, but who knows where I've gone? I didn't even reply the sms after I walked out to "take a breather". Where would shuhui have gone to? Maybe I needed to be left alone? Did I turn left or did I turn right? How to find her? Maybe they have thought of all these...besides, it's more impt to stay in the ktv room to sing. After all they've all looked forward to singing, and they paid or will be paying for this session...why shouldn't they sing?

Correct. If I were them, I wouldn't have bothered to look for this crazy woman who's throwing a tantrum over nothing at all. I'm just not worth it, i'm not needed, I only seem to spoil the mood when i'm with the 3 of them. I'm Nobody. They do not need me. In fact, they'll be happier without such a spoilt brat around. I always seem to go into mood swings and have them all confused. Why should they bother to ask anyway? I really didn't want to spoil the outing. So I packed up and left. It's for the good of everybody. And I can be with my mum.

I used to think that...if I wanted friends, I should be the one who "give". So I always found excuses for them and for myself, and continuedly reassured myself that people still cared for me. But now I know, I'm Nobody's friend, but i'm my Mum's child. I dun wanna be "begging" for love anymore. I sent my China number all over...on yahoogroups, in personal emails...but nobody called. Nobody except for YJ and my mother who calls everynight. I know I need love. But I dun wanna be begging or asking for it any more.

I must learn to love myself.

I must be prepared for loneliness.

For no one would care if I were to cry anymore.

Except my mum.

And myself.