SUCKY

Today, 27th June, Sunday is a lousy day. In fact, it sucks to the MAX. FUCK FUCK FUCK this entire world.

It probably shouldn't be. And I shouldn't be home at this time.

Not when I had looked forward to this day for a long long time. And I had told all my colleagues that it'll be a great day today cos' I'll be going ktv-ing with 3 of my best friends.

Yes. I dunno what came over me.

Waited half an hour for the bus. I feel frustrated when I think that I could have gotten Chinatown if I were to cross the road to take another bus, or if I had just taken the bus there so that I'll save abit of money.

When the bus finally came, I might have been able to squeeze into it. But I didn't really want to. The next bus came only after another 5 mins. I feel so pissed. But all the time I was just trying to calm myself down and tell myself that it is all retribution for doing things which i shouldn't have done.

Well maybe the retribution got out of hand. I felt so bad I really didn't feel like singing. But I went, I wonder y? Got there...and everything just seems sucky. My friends left for the ktv as I told them to...I reached there, asked for the room number. They didn't say. Asked the reception, he was like "so many people came in, how I know?" Best.

My friends were nice, they tried asking me if I want a drink, if I want to sing. But NO. I didn't feel like singing, and I didn't want to pay for the drink. It's totally not worth it. But once I got there...I just felt stifled in that small dark room. I got a really nice present from one of them, so I started reading it and dunnpo why tears just started to roll...I dun wanna be there. So i called my mum. But I felt like an IDIOT wasting $1.40 train fare just to sit for 5 mins. So i told myself to smile.

In fact, I tried to smile whilst walking there but the forced smile only seemed to make me feel worse.

Decided that I can't stay in there any longer so I just went to walk around Chinatown abit. Found some steps and sat there crying, looking at cars drive pass and a handful of people walking by. It's ridiculous...what am I crying about? I'm not ditched, my family is well...nothing is wrong! In fact, I just "consoled" another friend of mine and told her i'm lucky i've friends. Yeah right. Really...nothing is wrong except me feeling like i'm disgustingly fat. but aside of that, nothing is wrong. Yet I felt as miserable as I can get.

Got back to the room shortly after I received a sms from one of them. They knew I was taking a walk. Sat down for a while, told myself that I can't be wasting my money like that...I should sing...so I tried to find the songs which I wanted to sing...but the remote and the computer won't respond to me. FINE.

They tried making me sing, I thought...ok...though i didn't really feel like singing those songs...but at least I'm singing, but I felt so lousy. I sound terrible. Y? I practised! bwahaha...not that it really mattered in front of my friends, i'm not hoping to be a singer. But I still felt like shit.

I tried to think, where else can i go? who else can i ask to go out with me? It's then I realise...I actually have no one to turn to. I've no friends...So i took deep breaths and told myself to stay, it's ok...

But it's not. I dun wanna stay in that small room, though it's already much better than I thought, at least the room didn't stink. but I just couldn't stay. But what can I tell them? They are so happily singing away, they dun need me around. In fact, y shld they sit there and look at my sulky face and me just refusing all the stuff they offered me?

"want to eat snacks?"

No.

"want to sing?"

NO.

"Are you ok?"

No response.

They dun deserve this. They did nothing wrong. Or is it because they once abandoned me to go on a trip together? No, I thought about it a few days ago and I thought I came to terms with it.

Or is it because this supposedly important people didn't write me a single letter or even attempted to call me whilst I was away in China for 6 mths? But then again, they are not to be blamed. None of my other friends did that too. But at least I knew R wanted to send me a postcard just that she never got down to it. I can understand. I've been a very lazy friend at times too.

Or is it because I'm having an attitude problem, and they never even tried looking for me? Maybe they did, but who knows where I've gone? I didn't even reply the sms after I walked out to "take a breather". Where would shuhui have gone to? Maybe I needed to be left alone? Did I turn left or did I turn right? How to find her? Maybe they have thought of all these...besides, it's more impt to stay in the ktv room to sing. After all they've all looked forward to singing, and they paid or will be paying for this session...why shouldn't they sing?

Correct. If I were them, I wouldn't have bothered to look for this crazy woman who's throwing a tantrum over nothing at all. I'm just not worth it, i'm not needed, I only seem to spoil the mood when i'm with the 3 of them. I'm Nobody. They do not need me. In fact, they'll be happier without such a spoilt brat around. I always seem to go into mood swings and have them all confused. Why should they bother to ask anyway? I really didn't want to spoil the outing. So I packed up and left. It's for the good of everybody. And I can be with my mum.

I used to think that...if I wanted friends, I should be the one who "give". So I always found excuses for them and for myself, and continuedly reassured myself that people still cared for me. But now I know, I'm Nobody's friend, but i'm my Mum's child. I dun wanna be "begging" for love anymore. I sent my China number all over...on yahoogroups, in personal emails...but nobody called. Nobody except for YJ and my mother who calls everynight. I know I need love. But I dun wanna be begging or asking for it any more.

I must learn to love myself.

I must be prepared for loneliness.

For no one would care if I were to cry anymore.

Except my mum.

And myself.