To be honest

I think I'll try to blog with more honesty. It is after all MY blog. I should be able to write what I want to write, right? (What a tongue twister but well)

Yes. We have all moved on, somehow with our lives, without one another.

Thus the strange unfamiliar feeling mixed with the sense of "familiarity". Elva's song came to mind, "The most familiar stranger". Yes.

I'm very proud of someone's achievements. That person will go on to lead a very exciting and fulfilling life...I can imagine the fun, the experiences, the kind of "luxury" the person will be able to lead in future cos' the future is secured...and bright and dazzling.

Though I'm proud, i'm sad to say I can't really share in it. Then it made me reflect on my own sad life.

Had a long chat with my mum today. Cos' we went out shopping once again. Target was shoes but eventually end up buying more clothes. My bro later joined us for dinner at Crystal Jade's La Mian Xiao Long Bao. Thus on the way back home, we engaged in an extensive talk about scholarships...and jobs.

I really felt "bu gan xin". My future shouldn't be like this.

It shouldn't be so bleak.

Yes. I made a mess out of my As. But my Os were great! I always believed I was meant for something great. But after my As...everything changed.

I only came clear with myself TODAY. after so many years...it's only TODAY that I realised what happened.

I felt too "beaten". I fell from too great a height and was not strong enough to pick myself up again. I used to be one of the best amongst my friends. Yet I ended up the worst for As. There were so many other faculties to choose from. But I cowardly settled for FASS cos' I knew that was the easiest. I didn't really bother about scholarships, cos' i was lazy...and I thought I wouldn't have a chance.

So I didn't try. I just allowed myself to come up with so many excuses...to ruin my future. Just like that.

I didn't even try to make it up by studying harder. I just told myself that I'm not smart. And that I should be satisfied with a pay of $1400 per mth.

Oh my gosh. Is that really me?

I dunno.

I wish I could just cry.

I dun want to be such a failure.

I dun want to be left behind when all else have progressed far beyond me.

No I don't want that...NO...