Reflections

It's almost 1am and I've gotta work tmr...but I still wanna blog first, just in case I forget what I want to say...

Have been doing some thinking abt y I reacted in dat way on Sun. At that point of time, the only thing on my mind was that I was very miserable I felt like I could hardly breathe. And that I didn't want to stay on to spoil things further, so I chose to escape. What I do best anyways. Even though I knew that the repercussions might be serious.

I know that they will be worried. But there was nothing I could do. Trust me, I tried. I tried to tell myself to smile...but everytime I do that, I just wanna cry harder. The worst thing is that I've no particular reason to do so! So I felt SUPER ridiculous.

Told Peijin perhaps I was being ren4 xing4. It's obvious that she didn't approve of my ways cos' she said she'll never do that. She'll continue to bear with it and deal with her emotions better.

Yeah. She's right. We ARE adults and are supposed to be sensible. I didn't really know y I reacted in such a strange way but it felt as if the monster in me was let loose...or that wilful kid in me. The spite and bitterness and unhappiness...it felt as though all that unpleasant stuff have been bottled to the max so much so that it took my breath away.

And it's only in front of my closest friends I can allow that ugly side of me to appear. But did I really do all that to gain attention? Mayb yes, mayb no. I really felt that it did me gd leaving.

Mayb others can't comprehend wat's gg on exactly. Neither can I. It's yet another quarter-life crisis.

I did think that yes...perhaps these friends of mine might never bother abt me again. But I still did what I did I should do at that point of time.

Blog. I've been feeling lonely. Yes, I've so much activities planned everyday! I seemed to be forever busy and happy and chirpy...but deep down inside...I wonder if I really am.

I only realised that I've been feeling empty and lonely after I chanced upon someone else's site.

Who are my friends?

And most importantly...who AM i?

I hate this sense of helplessness and inadequacy I'm engulfed in.

To HM, PJ and PK if you are reading this.

I'm really truly sorry. Didn't want to spoil anyone's day. I really did try. I did. Perhaps just not hard enough. I didn't know what else I could do then.

Perhaps I need some reassurance. Perhaps I need some love. Perhaps I need some counselling.

Perhaps.

But I know...that I should aim to make myself "lovable". I've been a selfish pok who indulges in self-pity and feels like the world has failed me. Ok...things are not so bad but I know i'm not perfect.

I shall aim to be a better person.

And I need to find my OWN self-worth instead of relying on my friends...they have their own monsters to deal with...and how can I expect them to spare so much time for me???

As we grow...we become less inquisitive...and let the other party decide for him/herself.

It's time I grew up...and learn to take care of myself.

And I will answer for my own actions.