yeah...I know I shouldn't have posted the last entry. Actually I know very well that I'm fortunate enough already.

I've got my family with me, not plagued by serious illnesses, living comfortably... I'm fat cos' I've got more than enough good food to eat, so what if i'm not the cream of the crop? At least I'm getting a university education. I even get to travel alot and I'm going to Europe at the end of the year!

So why should I be feeling unhappy and all right? I must be mad. I guess it's that "feel sorry for yourself" syndrome right? It's a human weakness and since I'm human, i'm no exception.

I know I should be contented with what I have...and not compare myself with the more talented, or luckier ones. I know it, but sometimes, I can't help it. I dunno how to explain it...but probably...just angst against others who are more endowed but nonetheless, no more satisfied than I am. AND most importantly...it's anger against myself! For feeling so worthless, and being so useless...and for...the so many things I haven't done or haven't done in accordance to standards, which of cos' are imposed by myself.

I dunno if all these make sense. But I know that my friends love me. It's more like "why am I not putting in more effort?". I dunno...if I can put all that I feel down. But insecurity has always been an issue. Really. Being in this society that idolises the slim. I cannot help but be affected by all the jearing ever since I was young. It really dented my self confidence a great deal.

But in my sec sch years, I had my results to be proud of, and my best friend to give me love and support.

J1, my loving boyfriend to give me confidence.

But now I dunno what I have to show.

Was watching the documentary of the missing chinese girl last night. And my mum was telling me that I really have to take care of myself overseas. I know her worries.

Actually I think being "missing" or in a coma is one of the worst things. Cos' you put the living in constant trauma and uncertainty. In contrast, death is easier to handle. Yes it's painful definitely, but at least it's something which you must come to terms with, and hopefully recover from it.

It's a morbid thought, but we really never know what might happen. I of cos' would wish to live till at least 60, but in the event that I don't...

I hope that all my friends out there, will remember me fondly. I know I can be quite a brat. I might have been a disappointment to some, inflicted pain unknowingly at one point of other...but I hope that well, I will be remembered by the living.

It's a selfish thought...but it's always nice to know that I'm being "thought of".

Hahaha...a weird entry I know. But then again, I've been acting weird lately so...haha...

(wait, just realised that some might mistaken me of having suicidal thoughts, but NO NO. it's more like...i'm worried somehow. Though I've told Joyce that IF you're fated to die, it can happen anywhere anyhow, but taking the plane to europe, and being in a foreign land for a month, flying on MORE planes within Europe, or the possibility of going away for an internship for a year...actually all these HUGE changes scare me a bit honestly...so...yeah....i'm meaning, IF an accident happen...i won't kill myself...no worries man.)

Tired...dead tired

I'm tired. Both mentally and physically. The first comment I've got from everyone I've met today testifies to the above statement.

"You're very tired issit? Didn't sleep?"

I admit that I'm tired. Lucky I'm not tired of living.

Yet.

After finally completing my essay at 7:45pm last night. I hurriedly rushed down to Victoria Theatre. Supposed to watch The Visit of the Tai Tai with KT and K. Told them I'll wait outside till the intermission...reached at about 8:35...then I sat down and started to reminise. This place has a special place in my heart. As I sat outside alone with Sir Stamford Raffles...I suddenly felt lonely. REALLY lonely. A feeling I've not had...or at least haven't confronted in a while.

I've had happy and memorable moments on VT's stage. I was proud to be an actress, I got to know wonderful people and shared beautiful experiences. I also remembered the tears of joy and satisfaction which I have shed in the second year. But there is also the aftermath of having to go home after huang cheng alone. It was a feeling of despodence.

I think...if one day my mum should leave me. I'll really be left alone in this world.

I've been thinking, I'm not in love with my books because I simply do not spend enough time with them. I'm not making an extra effort with my friends cos...the last time I've had a telephone conversation with a friend was probably half a year ago? And yes...I've no potential lover...EXCEPT. The TV. Yes, I think i'm in a relationship with the TV. I'm starting to keep to myself it's scary. Where's the once noisy and bubbly girl who makes the first move to strike a conversation? Now I only see a girl who's happy eating lunch alone at Arts. Who's hoping that no one will notice her presence so that she can be left alone...so that she won't risk feeling left out.

Cos' she's already VERY felt out.

It's a mixed feeling. I both want that to happen cos' I'm actively hiding away, YET at the same time, I don't really want it to happen but i'm not doing anything about it.

Maybe it's this darn weather. Used to love cos' the rain makes it so nice to sleep. But I just complained about the rain to my mum...and now I know why. It's too gloomy...I dunno it I can take it.

Some people are already very slim, but they complain of being fat.

Some people score 80s and above out of 100 but they complain because others score 90 or if they had made a careless mistake or if they fall short of being on the dean's list.

Some people think that they are unloved when they have people who are willing to sacrifice their lives and fight for their well-being.

So where does it leave the FAT, UGLY girl who scores an average of 60?

I dunno. I dun dare to think. It's a matter of expectations I guess. I'm not trying to be complainy. In fact...I dun wanna think any more because I believe that humans are greedy.

We are never satisfied with what we really have. And the more we compare, the more envious we are of what Others have...

We are MORE but we are feeling like we have LESS. Is the world progressing? I'm really not sure...

Friends, do give me a hug when you next see me k? I think I'm in need of some love now.

Maybe in dire need.

I feel like i'm a fish on dry land now. Just that I'm a confused fish who had been crawling towards the land on my own accord.

Maybe this is what "you reap what you sow" means.

Will happiness come back to me?

Do I have friends? Or rather, have I been a friend?

Horrifying questions...but time to answer them.

Pain pain

I've actually had a bad day yesterday.
Cos' 1. I kind of "wasted" 2 hours waiting at my dentist's cos' I forgot to bring my notes to read. How smart.
2. I walked the long way to a bus stop, and was scolded by a motorcyclist cos' I hesitated when I was crossing the road. I wanted to let him go first but he stopped to ask, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" in a super irritated voice. The only thing I could do then was to say sorry.

What a F&^*ED up day.

To think that i was looking forward to getting my retainers.

For those who didn't know. I actually put on braces in my secondary school days. And being the silly girl I am. I lost my retainers shortly after the removal of my braces...and as I see my teeth shifting...I started to get scared. So when I saw my dentist again 2 weeks ago. I told him about my concerns...luckily he said my teeth can still be saved by retainers. So I made one for my upper jaw.

And I was told to wear it the whole day for a month.

It's then I recalled the pain I had to endure for my once very neat teeth. It's actually very uncomfortable wearing the retainers.

How fast people forget. I only remembered the "fun" of the braces. Now that I'm wearing retainers...I can't chew very well...and it so damn hurts when I put them back.

The things people go through in the name of "beauty".

But well..I guess it's just a matter of getting used to. After having my braces on for about 20 mins...it's not so "painful" anymore. Guess i'm quite numb to it.

Till the next time I remove it to eat something.

I just hope...that I'll be disciplined and determined to last it out for a month. And hopefully my 2 BIG front teeth will shift in by then.

Perhaps I'll lose some weight too! But not being able to eat too much and too fast.

Haha...

Losing the battle

I'm beginning to suspect if i'm the reincarnation of Sloth.

Slept after breakfast on Monday just because it was raining and thus VERY comfortable conditions to be sleeping under my nice comforter. Best. I slept and slept until I ALMOST refused to go and work. So much for wanting to work more on Mon so that I can work less on Thurs in order to catch up with the MANY deadlines which I've gotta meet this week.

It happened again this morning. I went to sleep once again after breakfast..and DID end up late for class. Hmm...

STILL. I've got the cheek to fall asleep in class! Both during Lecture...and the super short micro tutorial when she was trying to explain something not within the textbook!

I win..plus the MANY deadlines which I haven't been doing anything about. Not to mention my grand plans of preparing for the exams.

What's wrong with me?

I really don't know.

Major turn of events

Yeah it's true. I was supposed to be one a backpacking trip to Europe with Wenxu and Joyce. But Wenxu has got a golden opportunity to get involved in a research project which made lead to an accelerated Phd! Of cos' she should grab the chance!

Therefore...it's now just down to the two of us. The two whom doesn't know France, doesn't know French, Doesn't know Spanish...doesn't know anything about Europe...HELP! haha...and the domestic flights that we have booked for 3...plus the hostel beds...

Hmm...anyone cares to join us on our Europe backpacking trip? I'm not kidding here..rather serious...this invitation goes out to those not in Singapore too!

Itinerary: Singapore-Paris-London-Paris-Belgium-Lyon-Geneva-Barcelona-Rome-Florence-Pisa-Venice-Paris-Singapore.

Sounds good right? All within a month! 1st Dec to 31st!!!

So...who's interested??? =)

Made DINNER!

Din know what came over me yesterday. Perhaps I was kind of getting bored at home...and after racking my brains as to where we should go for dinner, I've finally decided that I should make pasta! How difficult can it get man? Besides, it's been like IONS since I've actually cooked something!

So I went about hopping around happily in the kitchen. Of cos' my mum helped me quite a bit...she laughed at the way I was taking so long trying to peel the onions or cut the carrots...Haha...

I got a bit jittery when I was cooking though...but all turned out fine! I loved the sauce! I was so happy I was really skipping all about! BUT...humpf...to think that my mum and bro was like, yeah...it's actually cos' the sauce is nice. Yeah lah...true, the Domino sauce is quite nice! But I made the effort to fry the garlic, onion and hotdogs plus prawns and added alot of vege like carrots and tomatoes to make it more nutritious mah!!! ;P

All in all, I enjoyed the little meal I've whipped up. Pasta with super creamy sauce plus creamy campbell soup and...oh...the eggs with tomatoes were done by my mum! ;P Hahaha...didn't think that pasta would take me over an hour to prepare?! I'm really one with little patience with it comes to cooking...sigh...but I wanna learn to make nice food!

One day I will I think! =)

Eating disorder

I'm beginning to think that I've some eating disorder problems. Haha...okay...fine, i'm exaggerating. It's only tonight that I'm acting weird.

Had dinner, not satisfied, ate a bag of chips...not enough, ate yoghurt, okay...abit the full...but I just ate an orange.

Dunno why, but I just felt like eating.

Hope this'll only last one night. ;P