yeah...I know I shouldn't have posted the last entry. Actually I know very well that I'm fortunate enough already.

I've got my family with me, not plagued by serious illnesses, living comfortably... I'm fat cos' I've got more than enough good food to eat, so what if i'm not the cream of the crop? At least I'm getting a university education. I even get to travel alot and I'm going to Europe at the end of the year!

So why should I be feeling unhappy and all right? I must be mad. I guess it's that "feel sorry for yourself" syndrome right? It's a human weakness and since I'm human, i'm no exception.

I know I should be contented with what I have...and not compare myself with the more talented, or luckier ones. I know it, but sometimes, I can't help it. I dunno how to explain it...but probably...just angst against others who are more endowed but nonetheless, no more satisfied than I am. AND most importantly...it's anger against myself! For feeling so worthless, and being so useless...and for...the so many things I haven't done or haven't done in accordance to standards, which of cos' are imposed by myself.

I dunno if all these make sense. But I know that my friends love me. It's more like "why am I not putting in more effort?". I dunno...if I can put all that I feel down. But insecurity has always been an issue. Really. Being in this society that idolises the slim. I cannot help but be affected by all the jearing ever since I was young. It really dented my self confidence a great deal.

But in my sec sch years, I had my results to be proud of, and my best friend to give me love and support.

J1, my loving boyfriend to give me confidence.

But now I dunno what I have to show.

Was watching the documentary of the missing chinese girl last night. And my mum was telling me that I really have to take care of myself overseas. I know her worries.

Actually I think being "missing" or in a coma is one of the worst things. Cos' you put the living in constant trauma and uncertainty. In contrast, death is easier to handle. Yes it's painful definitely, but at least it's something which you must come to terms with, and hopefully recover from it.

It's a morbid thought, but we really never know what might happen. I of cos' would wish to live till at least 60, but in the event that I don't...

I hope that all my friends out there, will remember me fondly. I know I can be quite a brat. I might have been a disappointment to some, inflicted pain unknowingly at one point of other...but I hope that well, I will be remembered by the living.

It's a selfish thought...but it's always nice to know that I'm being "thought of".

Hahaha...a weird entry I know. But then again, I've been acting weird lately so...haha...

(wait, just realised that some might mistaken me of having suicidal thoughts, but NO NO. it's more like...i'm worried somehow. Though I've told Joyce that IF you're fated to die, it can happen anywhere anyhow, but taking the plane to europe, and being in a foreign land for a month, flying on MORE planes within Europe, or the possibility of going away for an internship for a year...actually all these HUGE changes scare me a bit honestly...so...yeah....i'm meaning, IF an accident happen...i won't kill myself...no worries man.)