Tired...dead tired

I'm tired. Both mentally and physically. The first comment I've got from everyone I've met today testifies to the above statement.

"You're very tired issit? Didn't sleep?"

I admit that I'm tired. Lucky I'm not tired of living.

Yet.

After finally completing my essay at 7:45pm last night. I hurriedly rushed down to Victoria Theatre. Supposed to watch The Visit of the Tai Tai with KT and K. Told them I'll wait outside till the intermission...reached at about 8:35...then I sat down and started to reminise. This place has a special place in my heart. As I sat outside alone with Sir Stamford Raffles...I suddenly felt lonely. REALLY lonely. A feeling I've not had...or at least haven't confronted in a while.

I've had happy and memorable moments on VT's stage. I was proud to be an actress, I got to know wonderful people and shared beautiful experiences. I also remembered the tears of joy and satisfaction which I have shed in the second year. But there is also the aftermath of having to go home after huang cheng alone. It was a feeling of despodence.

I think...if one day my mum should leave me. I'll really be left alone in this world.

I've been thinking, I'm not in love with my books because I simply do not spend enough time with them. I'm not making an extra effort with my friends cos...the last time I've had a telephone conversation with a friend was probably half a year ago? And yes...I've no potential lover...EXCEPT. The TV. Yes, I think i'm in a relationship with the TV. I'm starting to keep to myself it's scary. Where's the once noisy and bubbly girl who makes the first move to strike a conversation? Now I only see a girl who's happy eating lunch alone at Arts. Who's hoping that no one will notice her presence so that she can be left alone...so that she won't risk feeling left out.

Cos' she's already VERY felt out.

It's a mixed feeling. I both want that to happen cos' I'm actively hiding away, YET at the same time, I don't really want it to happen but i'm not doing anything about it.

Maybe it's this darn weather. Used to love cos' the rain makes it so nice to sleep. But I just complained about the rain to my mum...and now I know why. It's too gloomy...I dunno it I can take it.

Some people are already very slim, but they complain of being fat.

Some people score 80s and above out of 100 but they complain because others score 90 or if they had made a careless mistake or if they fall short of being on the dean's list.

Some people think that they are unloved when they have people who are willing to sacrifice their lives and fight for their well-being.

So where does it leave the FAT, UGLY girl who scores an average of 60?

I dunno. I dun dare to think. It's a matter of expectations I guess. I'm not trying to be complainy. In fact...I dun wanna think any more because I believe that humans are greedy.

We are never satisfied with what we really have. And the more we compare, the more envious we are of what Others have...

We are MORE but we are feeling like we have LESS. Is the world progressing? I'm really not sure...

Friends, do give me a hug when you next see me k? I think I'm in need of some love now.

Maybe in dire need.

I feel like i'm a fish on dry land now. Just that I'm a confused fish who had been crawling towards the land on my own accord.

Maybe this is what "you reap what you sow" means.

Will happiness come back to me?

Do I have friends? Or rather, have I been a friend?

Horrifying questions...but time to answer them.