I am just Me. Am I?

Saturday, October 09, 2004


That's how I'm really feeling now.

Quite a lot has happened lately. Let me start from the top.

I've sent an email out to NOC enquiring about the status of my application last weekend. On Monday, they sent me an email asking me to go for a third interview on Weds.

I agreed. I thought I did ok. I asked some questions, had a nice conversation. Then they called me up in the afternoon to tell me that I was selected.

Then a whole whirl of emotions settled in. I really do so Want the opportunity. But questions regarding my module mapping, my graduation, my family and friends...and whether or not I can secure an internship placement? The additional cost??? Oh gosh, I was stressed. However, all these worries were kind of more or less "settled" or at least "cleared" today at the NCS briefing...but it's kind of worrying that I'll be away for the WHOLE of December cos' there are alot of things waiting to be settled...and I May not have the luxury of settling it all before Dec.

In short. I'm pretty screwed cos' of the Europe backpacking trip. Cos' there's alot of things to be done. Company interview, placement, medical check up, ABF some can be done without me being physically around...but at least not the medical check up!


Thurs was working day. I think i'm mad. cos' I was pretty much left alone. But I asked for work to do.

Fri. Woke up for breakfast then went to sleep immediately. Woke up feeling like a Damned Fat Pig. Off to the SEP talk,(which was probably the highlight of the day)
had a nice chit-chat with some yr 1s...managed to convince them to go China...had lessons...which I wasn't paying attention and understood nothing.

Then NCS briefing. Found out that apparently they sent the email to the wrong Shuhui previously...didn't ask them abt my status then, cos' what's impt is that I got it in the end. Understood the "seriousness" of this program, and it just enforced the fact that by hook or by crook i've got to settle every damn detail abt this Before I leave for Europe. Darn!

At night, went for this British Play called Rumours. Initially it was quite a torture trying to understand the accent. But it got better...and I started to Really enjoy the show despite it being a tit-bit too nonsensical and noisy at times...I managed to laugh heartily.

But I guess the "downfall" of my day was the "knowing" of my Financial midterm results.

I jokingly said this morning that I'll most probably score below the medium once again since i've done it twice.

Guess what? It really happened. 15 when the medium was 16.5. I felt So totally screwed.

I've been doing my homework faithfully. I've been getting A+s for my homework. But so what? I still didn't understand. Apparently I haven't studied hard enough. But there's a limit as to how much setbacks one can take.

At this rate, my CAP is gonna be 2 something this sem. When I think about it...I REALLY just wanna cry.

To think that I told my mum that i'm not getting involved in hall, I wanna study.

Bullshit. Look at where this so-called "studying" has brought me to. What have I been doing??? Actually I know. Watching an excessively lot of TV. Not really putting my heart into studying...AND thinking too highly of myself.


Everything sucks.

If my CAP does fall so low. I Dunno what I Will do.

I don't think I can take the blow.

There's a million things on my mind.

And my bad luck doesn't end there.

I was waiting for buses 80 and 63 at Bugis...ALL other buses came, twice or I of cos' waited for a long long time.

Then I started to wait for 62 opp Aljunied MRT. I saw 2 80 and 63 pass by before 62 comes.

This is damn sucky lah.

Is this my retribution?

So what have I done wrong this time?

I hope the heavens are feeling better now. Spare me soon.

I can't take it anymore.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

You are purple. What a romantic person you are.
You're sentimental and forward-looking (those
are opposites.). You're a sophisticated and
refined--with a refind taste for chocolates and
wine (yum...). Tempermental and moody, you let
people know when you're angry. But other
times, you just sit and sulk. Alone. When
around people, you're a generous person, with
insatiable needs. You're a starving artist,
basically. You're enjoy getting into debates
over politics and religion with people of the
same intelligence of you. But you know they
can never convince you otherwise, you stubborn
person, you. As a unique person you are (not
to mention just a tad bit eccentric...), you're
well-liked by either a few people, or too many

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Though I hoped I'll be Pink...but I guess...not really...;P Purple suits me character not bad...

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


I guess when u're down and out...even watching tv can make u all the more upset.

I once thought i've lost all my principles. Haha...Yes I admit that I've came a long way. From the once innocent and naive girl where all was black and white, to the now all accepting "woman" in a world of grey.

Yeah I've changed.

I once cried when a friend of mine kissed a guy who's not her bf, but I now tell my friends that it's OKAY to have an affair so long as you know what you're doing and make sure that ur bf doesn't.

I used to think that I won't be able to accept tattoos and that I'll absolutely "disown" anyone I know who has one...but when I questioned my friend after I "spotted" one on her back, she uneasily told me and was surprised that I actually said that it was nice!

Many things have changed. My outlook towards life, relationships and various things.

Have been watching a few tv serials though, then I realised that my "hatred" for bad people haven't changed. Haha...I can't stand it when people scheme and plot to harm one another. For power or for love.

I also understand why there's a saying "zui du fu ren xin"...cos' it's true. What a woman CAN do to another over's scary...

I hope i'll NEVER become like one of them. I rather be let down by others then to let other people down! I hope I can manage that.

Yes I've admit that I once hoped that I could Hate. I believe I've had mean thoughts too but now I really hope that if there's one thing I can be...I hope i'll be a "good" person.

Aiyah...suddenly realised how incoherent this entire entry is..but well, I just want to be nice...and I dun wanna see people hurt one another.

It sucks.

Taiwan-Singapore Issue,4395,275254,00.html?

I must admit I'm never a very "politically-inclined" person. I dun keep myself updated of news and all...but today's lecturer posted us a question, "Why are Singaporeans so NOT angry?" It puzzles her as to how come we are so rationalised and calm about everything?

In contrast, other people always seem to be so angsty and full of hatred they have to resort to demonstations and violent behaviour.

This aroused my interests. Plus Ir posted an entry on her blog. So I took the effort to look through the relevant Straits Times article.

Honestly, I sympathise with Singapore. ALOT. And to some extent, I'm actually quite "proud" of how we choose to "react".

firstly, the "lack" of reaction might be due to the fact that, many people do not even know that such a thing happened! (like me) So...ok...that's a bad point about Singaporeans, not being concerned about current affairs.

2nd, though at one point of time when China was "upset" with Lee's private visit to Taiwan, I was initially sad that we had to so publicably "apologise" for something which we didn't do wrong.

But on hindsight. It's something we Have to do.

Singapore being such a small country, we really have to try to be friends with everyone. Which is really difficult...but yeah...

So this time round. I'm proud of Singaporeans don't actually think of retaliating and doing something drastic. What for? I think it'll only show our "lack of grace and maturity" if we do that. I think it shows that we are people who "think" before we act...we are able to access the situation and do what's best.

Da Zhang Fu Neng Qu Neng Shen, that's what I believe in.

BG Yeo merely stated a concern. It might have not been in a very appropriate occassion, it may seem that we're trying to "please"...but actually, I think he just voiced out a very "common-sensical" opinion.

Who wishes to see a war break out? Please raise your hands.

I for one do not.

I dun understand why some people like to quarrel and throw chairs in parliament seatings. I also can't understand why they have to choose such "uncouth" words to make "commoners" understand. Why do these ministers receive so much education for? By saying seems to me that their "common" people can only understand things like "mucus" and what not.

Say we're small it's fine. As small as a pea, as small as a pin...I dunno...but...mucus???


Am I stupid?

I really don't know.

I thought I've studied quite hard for my mid-terms.

QUITE. Maybe not for China's Economy, so I was below average. Fine. It's a good thing that I've "chose" the right person to pair up for the term paper! She's the German exchange girl who scored 90. 90!!!

Okay...just saw my econometrics results. 65/100...actually I wasn't too bothered leh. Until J told me that he overheard someone with 97, he scored a "mere" 81. Come to think of's basically can imagine my grades to be in the D range now.

It makes me sad...REALLY sad. It is because I spent hours fiddling with my computer, and hours watching tv?

But haven't I been doing that ALL these while in Uni? I thought I studied hard enough and was prepared enough. What happened? And i did my tutorials rather faithfully as well!

What's wrong? Maybe I should take part in LOADS of activities and bog myself down again. Maybe...

Monday, October 04, 2004

Actually...i'm not exactly feeling irritated...but i AM abit disgusted with myself...slightly.

My break of two days have gone too's been like 10 days?!?!

I'm gross. Didn't study. Didn't revise my work. Didn't read my readings. Didn't do any catching up...

It's time for some SERIOUS soul searching.

Just saw my mid-term grades for Economy of Modern China. I knew that I did badly. But seeing it just hurts me more.

I scored an A+ for the level 2 one. Now i'm like the bottom 8 in a class of 20.

67/ I'm feeling really down.

Maybe I should STOP the urge to spend HOURS searching for the best accomodation in Italy and START to do my work and to read.

Sat I finally changed my bed sheets! Was rather reluctant cos' someone helped me make this had certain memories...but well, nostalgia versus hygiene...I think I've made the right choice.

Sun Went out with my OG at Orchard Point FIRST then to OG at People's Park. WOW...what a shopping spree. Bought yellow top and Estee Lauder toner. Freaking ex...but it feels good on the skin. Best part was the dinner at Malan La Mian! Had a craving for Xiao Long Tang Bao! So...YEAH! got to eat it plus alot of other things! Being home is great...all the mooncakes, ice-cream and yeah...

Mon Went for a Yoga class and met this instructor that TOTALLY reminds me of Hong Ying. In terms of build, features and resemblance but not like I'll mistake her for Hong Ying...Came back to school to work. Spend some time looking at hostels in Barcelona too. Came back feeling REALLY distracted (I dunno y?) Almost got killed by a bus (cos' I was walking so slowly on the road and the bus had to stop in the middle to let me cross!) and yeah...I think what made me even more Bothered was the fact that someone told me that I've gotten fatter!

What a thing to say after not seeing me for weeks.

All I'm fat. and maybe i'm getting fatter...I KNOW it...but dun have to tell me so outright right?!

Okay...perhaps it's good that she told me...I should be controlling my diet once again right?

But all I wanna do now is to eat more and more and more!

Arggh...what's wrong with me?

Sunday, October 03, 2004


NOW I can truly say why I feel so screwed up. I tried editing the previous post. Added a hell lot of things...posted without first COPYING (one of the few times) and yeah...there was an error.

And right...all's lost!

I can't help but feel so angry!!!!


Sigh. It was all about how I feel about outer beauty, inner beauty and all that kind of shit lah.

Rambled about trying to be a better character...seems like it's not very useful YET.

ANYWAYS. Main idea is...Don't do "BAD" things...u'll be punished somehow or another. I'm a bad girl by the ways...always succumbing to all sorts of temptations. Maybe that's why my post is lost!


F*#@ed up

That was how I was feeling last night. And somehow...I've been using the F word abit too frequently lately.

It's my latest swear word when I feel everything's not going my way. But I only say it to myself, when there's nobody around. Still...I've noticed that it's gotten Louder...and just kind of "hits me" that wow...Bad habits sure are easy to pick up man.

All rights. Let me tell you why I was feeling that way.

Finally went back to Far East to work after so long. This Sat was rather extraordinary cos' we sold 3 pieces of a particular Expensive top and when I was handling the purchase of one of them...I wasn't alert enough to notice that the NETS didn't get through. My colleague was using the phone then...but I THOUGHT I saw the APPROVED I was trying to be hopeful.

Then we did the settlement. expected. We were short of $39.90.

$39.90!!! 4/5 of my one day's pay. And yes...I had to pay for that top...I basically WASTED an entire day...stood around for nothing...just to give a Total stranger a present!

ARGH FISH! @#$*(&#@$(*7 I guess minus my transport and my dinner money...I made $0.

And to think that I was just thinking to "brainless" this is getting...I stand around, smile at people...stone when there's no customers...and drink very little water (bad for health) and get my nails chipped!

So that's the REALLY bad thing that happened that made me super upset. Somemore I can't blame anyone for it cos' it's like my fault.

Still...I guess...on hindsight I should be glad it happened. Cos' I finally asked if I could quit. Stupid me...I still thought they needed me and all but I think they were more than happy to not have me around. Cos' they can cope with the existing employees.

True...they might get busy at times...but it's manageable.

So....HOORAY! I'm free on Sats now!! Time for my Sat morning and afternoon cartoons! Time to slack my whole Sat away lounging happily at home! Time to meet up with my friends and go for gatherings which usually take place on Sats!!


(I know that this post is weird. The ending doesn't really match the title...hmm...)