I am just Me. Am I?

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Past week

The past week has been a really "exciting" one, felt that I was on a rollercoaster most of the time. Even more so than the previous week.

Monday: Finally got back to hall, spent my first "sleepless" night in an uncleaned and therefore, uncomfortable room.

Tuesday: YH confirmed that he cld come over 2 help clean my rm kind of last min, so I also superly last min applied for half-day leave. Thanks 2 him I now haf a clean bed to sleep on...n e cleanest windows I've ever seen in a long time. I'm useless...can't even clean my own rm properly. But I still haven't unpacked, kind of suspect that I never will...haha. Had lunch (Thaksin beef noodles at Seah Im Food Centre) den off I went to Bugis to walk ard until I met R at Carrefour to buy some "necessities". Dinner was at BK.

Weds: Had a good talk with my boss. Found out that School doesn't start till the National Day week. Best. Cos' well, she wants me to go to office more often cos' I simply have too many things undone. a) Info on Chinese Unis b) Translation of law document c) My SEP talk...this SUCKS big time...cos' I wanted to go for FWOC at least 4 e 2nd week...but I can't even do that I did the only thing I cld do...go NTUC to collect some things for RAG.

Thurs: Rushed the ppt out...then off I went to the airport to fetch the Chinese exchange students. Ferried them back and dropped them off at their various halls. Skipped my lunch cos' of that...and well...just felt SUPER tired after the whole thing. Lucky the bus driver was ALOT nicer this time round! He even told me abt how he likes his job, chauffeurin VIPs like Ministers and the like...and how his friend ferries the celebrities like was fun talking to him! Gobbled 2 slices of Pizza once I got back to office. Was too full for dinner after shared food with R. Senior's performance was good...and the auditions were even better! Laughed till I almost died! Finally saw more of the cute guys in A blk...sigh...really cute! But dun think they'll ever fall for someone like better not harbour too many weird thoughts.

Fri: Frantic day cos' I was supposed to submit my translation but it was far fr bein done so no choice had 2 rope e help of my frens fr HC. So poor YH n ZJ had 2 wake up early in e morn to help me...wif their help...i finally completed my job! Phew...had to go home for dinner wif my mum...cos' 30th is her actual birthday n no one wld b at home. Pa went for some seminar...bro went for CO concert. So...had a good dinner with my mum! but day didn't end off too well...

Sat: Woke up early to sweep the floor. Den out I went with my bro to bishan to buy cake...den to OG in town to buy the pair of shoes for my mum. Very "diu" cos' no discount...cld have saved $14 but well...eventually all was good...though I kind of thought my mum wld have preferred the $180 leather shoe...sigh...okay! Next birthday! Went back to HC in the afternoon wif S and SR. Met alot of ppl there! the ZWXH ppl...some 60 guys...YU LAO SHI! QY, ZR...many others...and familiar faces such as the councillors, CT, lots...but as we wandered through the familiar yet not so familiar campus...saw familiar faces but 1000 times more unfamiliar ones...all the young and energetic people prancing around...can't help but feel...dun exactly know how I feel...just very "nostalgic" and "sad" maybe?

3 yrs have passed...though it may not seem like it's a long time...but so many things have happened. on that campus...holds so many memories...not just mine i guess...others...millions of other memories of other people...some sad...some happy. I've spent my "prime" years there...i've shed tears and laughed my guts out there...and soon Hwachong Junior College will never be...Hmm...

I bumped into Liting! So many many years have passed since I last saw her but I recognized her immediately and she could recognize me too! (shows how much I DIDN'T change in terms of looks! arrgh) But well...she's so chio and all...and we exchanged numbers.

Next up was Xinying's bday hold it at a Min Ge Can Ting was a REALLY cool idea! She sang really well...n our jiak jua table plus grace was jus very...erm...greedy today...;P It was enjoyable! Wif e guys entertainin us near the end...nice crispy finger food...good singing...wonderful "everchanging" drink, nice pinkish was an enjoyable afternoon!

Shopped abit for a pair of shoes with S after that...saw a pair of URS heels that I like...might try to get my hands on it soon. Since it's suitable for work..haha...

Came home...felt so heaty I started to get a fever...which is quite suckish cos' it means i gotta stay home n not attempt to go back to hall for SLO.

Sigh...CT commented could stay till yr 3...that's quite an achievement. That's what's wrong with me now!?! I dun want ppl to think that I dun want to contribute to hall anymore...I don't want ppl to think that money is more impt to me dan KR...but there's nothing I can do now.

Nvm...I'm sure things will work out...somehow...

Sad day at home

As I was saying...I don't exactly know how things turned out this way. My mum and I had a HUGE dinner all by ourselves and enjoyed Korean drama and she kept me updated on all those that I've been missing out...all was good.

Actually I do know what happened. It all started with the fact that my Bro had to go support his friend fr CO n ended up having supper till about 1am. And before that my father had to come around and irritate us when we were watching tv and told my mum the "good" news about my bro's form teacher callin him at 8am this morn tellin him how BAD his results were.


I skipped that I can be at home to accompany my mum for dinner. No one was around and since the 30th of July was supposed to be her birthday, I thought I just HAD to be back. Actually I exchanged alot of sms with my bro in the day regarding her birthday...

And yet...the day has to end like tears and unhappiness.

Cos' my brother...did do badly. COO and maybe an E8? I'm not too sure. But results are bad. And the worst part is...I can understand how both parties feel.

My mum as usual went about shooting a whole lot of things like "I dunno what u've been doing", "it's your future we're talking about"...den when my bro tries to defend himself...she'll say rather "hurtful" things like..."so your wings are tough, you can fly on your own"

Then what will follow is alot of sniffing and tears.

I hate that...makes me feel helpless.

I listened to my bro...and I can understand a past student...I know. I must admit that mayb he didn't try his best. I dunno how to define best. No tv no hp no nothing except for studying? Sorry...even I can't do that. That explains why I'm in FASS in NUS and having a CAP of 3.67.

I know...and in actual fact, I think that my bro is far more sensible than me in some ways....just that he's not as lucky...he can't get away with exams like me...I know he plays the com...goes out with his gf...and I believe that he tries! Maybe not that hard...but at least he knows...

But the results...

I dunno what I can do except to talk to both sides...but I also dunno what kind of help I can give...very scared that I'll say the wrong things...

So I chose to sit in front of my com...try and type out all my confused thinkings...and listen to my mum complain...I think that's the best I can do...what a coward.

Why am I crying? At the "hopeless" situation? I bro promised to show my mum better mum complained that she never knew how he was doing...yeah...i think the problem partly lies in the lack of communication btw my bro and my mum...but that's how MOsT boys are like right? I mean...I was once rather "rebellious"...but now i know the best way is to say...tell my mum every little detail in my i the rest stressed I upset I felt about screwing my paper...of how I'm afraid i'll b left on the shelf...all these I say...but only I believe my mum knows me abit better...and I know how she thinks too though I may not necessarily agree all the time.

But my bro won't do least not ALL the time...But...aiyah...i also dunno.

I just know that I'm feeling upset now. For myself, my bro, my mum and my father is old and having pains everywhere...jobless and living off my mum.

I'm not much better. Forever worried about how fat I am and yet gorging myself on food...wasting money on stupid things and NOT earning my keep...still expecting my poor mum who's close to 60 to pay for my school fees...

And my bro...he's only 18...results not good enough for any scholarship...sensible and i believe w/o a concrete plan for his future either...and not earnin any income...

I'm starting to fear the future...I really do...

I'm tired...from working...from hall...from alot of things.....................

Friday, July 30, 2004


bwahaha...gettin quite "proud" of myself. My title's a pun! I'm Fat...and at home now...and I'm also getting Fat being at home! bwahahaha...

just a moment ago, i thought i was so fortunate to be at home...but now as i sit in front of my computer crying.

I wish I never came home tonight.

I'm useless.

my little pony
You're My Little Pony!!  Sweet and innocent and
happy, you make people want to spew burrito
chunks.  Even a Care Bear could kick your ass.

What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Dozing off

I'm dozing off in my office. It sucks. Luckily a group of guys only caught me yawning very uglily. I would like to think that no one has caught me sleeping in front of the com yet!

Will update...soon...

Monday, July 26, 2004

What friends are for
Now I know what friends are for...especially for someone like me...friends are people who help put my life in place and on to the right track.

Just had a talk with pk over msn. Nothing much but she made me think.

Now I know why i'm having such a headache.

1. The last week had been hectic and tiring. Wasn't able to get sufficient rest.
2. I'm starting the translation of the law document. 1st time is challenging henceforth interesting. 2nd time's just plain mind-boggling.
3. But this kind of life is going to get EVEN worse after I shift back to hall.
a) KRX senior performance on this COMING Thurs. Nothing had been done. I dunno what the script is about YET. Rehearsals will definitely be LATE cos' of the ongoing FWOC. We're pressed for time..and i'm getting nervous cos' I haven't acted in a long time. Only agreed to help out cos' KRX is REALLY short of manpower.
b) FWOC. Though i'm no longer a full-time counsellor..but as a senior and ex Fwocer...I feel like I've got a duty to participate as actively as possible...which = less time to rest = even more taxing.
4) School's gonna start. This sem won't be easy...cos' of all the "mathsy" stuff i'm gonna take. Gross...and i'll b workin till mid Sept. Will b SUPER busy at a pt of time...will I b able to handle it? I wanna maintain or even better...UP my CAP.
5) Do I really want to be a phahtom like I said i'll be? What about the "awards" which I hope to get at the end of the year as a KentRidgean?

Serious...I really dunno what I'm thinking about.

My life's such a mess and I dunno how to prioritise.

But Huan said that we just tend to think that we can handle everything.

True...that's how I've always been.


It was a miracle that I woke up early on Sat. Had to make a trip down to NUS, KR to check in so that I can shift my things back to hall on Sun. YH had kindly agreed to help out so y not right? It's not everyday I get free transportation! ;P

Went to work slightly late because of that...actually more like cos' I left my home too late...but I was lucky cos' I never had to wait too long for the buses and trains.

Work was as usually pretty interesting. Just that it was quieter at certain times perhaps due to the fact that ALOT is gg on in orchard that day! Like the rock band jus outside Far East and FIR in Taka. Orchard Road itself was really bustling with activities though! But I was pretty tired throughout the day so I kept yawnin...only exciting thing was that I saw Kenny! I really did! But I didn't have the chance to go up and say hi cos' I was busy cashiering then. He was in a Blue checked shirt...I tried lookin out for him on my way to e toilet but to no avail!

Only down is that Huimin didn't come down to Far East to look for me..sigh...but she had her reasons lah..

As expected, I couldn't wake up on time. Therefore had to sms YH last min to tell him to come an hr later. Heng I did...cos' i had just enough time to pack. It's amazing how "little" things I had! My pillow, poster, a box which contained my toiletries, food AND one bag of clothes...that's about all! Stupid YH still thought that we had to make mutiple trips when in fact the 2 of us unloaded into my rm within one trip!!! Cos' he thought he needed a "plane" to pick all my stuff up...YJ didn't come cos' he had to be home for lunch...But well...YH had to travel to Hougang early in e morn to get e car from his i'm grateful to him for that lah...

The trip was indeed "entertainin" with him trying to burst my blood vessels by constantly suaning me and me constantly hitting his head thus causing him to lose his balance and put my own life in peril. (He barely got his license a mth ago.)

He originally wanted to have lunch at Gengkis Khan (luckily he changed his mind! ;P cos' it was supposed to b my treat) but couldn't decide so wanted to look for PJ. Turned out that she's at we drove down to Hougang to look for her! (That's the good thing with a car) In the end all of us didn't eat though. Only had bubble tea at Happy Cup at Hougang Mall. YH den took me for a ride (unintentionally cos' he wasn't familiar with the weren't I...;P) ard Hougang abit before dropping me off.

Went NTUC with mum...den it was time for the treat my bro n I was suppose to give my mum cos' her bday is this coming Friday! I decided on the Ala Carte Buffet Dinner at Mouth Kitchen. The food was not too bad at all! The bill came up to $165...but that's's just that I knew that my mum was quite "xin ku" eatin after a while...and I started feeling SO SO guilty...I was wondering if a buffet is a good's no wonder Cui swore off's no good for the body! U jus wanna eat everything! Though I din feel as sick as I did at Triple M...The bulge around my waist is undeniable.

Actually...sometimes I wish I can be anorexic. Honest. But I like to eat too much. Still...I dun wanna feel like a pig trotting around the streets anymore...and I can't hide behind BIG t-shirts and long sleeves all the time...i'm disillusioning myself.



It's a Monday! the start of the week but i'm still very's lunch hr now. Wanted to go out actually...until the straps of my shoe broke. Bo Bian...stay in office and eat the lunch full of Vitamin L which my mummy prepared for me...and at e same time update my blog.

Was thinkin that my blog is actually really boring...just narration after narration...too bad my dear friends...i'm not a very good writer...that explains y i never got to be a journalist of things like that...

Btw...since I just found out that there's this new feature of uploading photos whilst talkin to Niko on MSN last night...let me try it out now.

All right...seems like they dun do image hosting so there's more procedures...another time then. ;P hee....

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Eventful week
It was REALLY an eventful week.

Thurs 22nd July, after work, the 2nd S60 gathering took place at 7:00 at P.S's Secret Recipe. Turnout was not too bad at all! Beelan (who came back from Taiwan), Jiankang, Zhijian, Yinhoe, Jinsen (who supposedly made a special trip down!) , Yuehan, Ziwei, Youjie, Xiangbin, Zhanrong and Zhengjun. A grand total of 12! Not bad at all... And I think ppl generally enjoyed the chance to meet up and chat...(I hope!) At least I did seemed like the guys esp...are making an effort to meet up more often now! Perhaps it's cos' NS is over...and they're gg into uni there's more in common to talk about. It was interesting givin them tips on modules. Lookin thru JK's photos of their trip to M'sia was "entertainin" too! I'm sure ZW will agree. =) Shared a cake for YH. The cakes there r pretty nice. Hope he liked it. 

Fri...23rd July. It's YH's bday offically. The day has come after so much "hype". Actually I feel real bad as "organiser" cos' i ended up doing nothing much but contactin ppl and sendin out loads of sms(which some ppl din get) w/o doin much! Had to rely so much on Wanting and PK and my twin to make so many last min plans! But it was great seeing so many familiar faces after so long! Weilun, Karwee, Joseph and ppl like Aili, Xiaoping, Karen, Nicki, Xiangbin...haha...trying to "trick" YH was tough...esp since he "caught" PK and HM at we had to change plans n present him with e surprise n cake at e BUSSTOP instead! Once was a chit chat session...but these sessions r always gd! cos' it's nice to b able 2 hear abt e latest happenings of ppl...some whom u've not met for a long time. AL and her diggin asses...listenin 2 guys sharin their soccer experiences...listenin to lame jokes of Cha Shao Bao and Mua Ji...ppl "scribblin" over "nothing" at's jus fun! Nice and heartwarmin...but can't help but feel really "old" bein in Hwachong all over again.

21...only 3 yrs ago I was still in HC all seems so familiar yet so strange. e ppl in uniform so young...I dun really know what to say...called yu lao shi once i got to sch...but it was already 6:30 so he was of cos' home already...but managed to ask him to write a referral letter for me...that's good. Luckily for me Aili came shortly after at 7pm...with sushi too! So my hunger pangs were settled by a tuna sushi followed by lots of high calories chips there after...

Hmm....tiring and fun weekdays...coupled with ALOT of work and i'm sorry to those whom I didn't reply the whole of last week...was simply so busy that sometimes it just totally slips my mind who has smsed me and who I should reply...been sending out so many and receiving so many i was kind of "luan"...which explains why it took me so long to type a reply at times.

Will continue on my weekend tmr during work...hope i'll have time!