I am just Me. Am I?

Friday, April 02, 2004

Passion of the Christ

I haven't felt so tired and emotionally drained out for a long time...

I like the movie alot alot alot I dunno exactly how to describe it. Yes, the graphics are so real and bloody it's gory. Honest. At some parts I was too scared to watch or even to "hear"...But I was so moved at the same time, I've cried so so's rather silly actually, to be sobbing cos' there's no one to comfort me...but I took comfort in knowing that alot of others are sniffing along with me.

Never felt so "heart-wrenched" for some time...But it's not all about Jesus. Yes, I was very touched by his love for the people...all the pain he had to go through, all the sacrifices...(Let's not dispute about whether it has happened or is it real) But the thought of it, just the idea that someone might be willing to go through all that pain...I was touched by "humanity". Yet...there are those who are so numb to suffering, who actually derive pleasure and hurl abuse indiscriminately...I felt really know that cruelty exists...and that's Very real...the wars and different forms of sadistic punishments are testimonial...and I cried for that too...

Yet...there is LOVE. the thing that oversomes all sins and failures. The love from a Mother for her child. The love and compassion for just a person (no matter he/she is a criminal) who is undergoing torture and extreme/intense pain. The "pity" that ALL humans ought to possess...Just thinking about all that...made me cry even harder.

Of cos' there were parts I cannot quite agree...or rather...I can't quite understand. Nonetheless, I was REALLY MOVED and I really wanna share this with all my friends and hope they can watch it and experience it for themselves. Now i can better understand the christians who seem really (and sometimes overly) enthusiastic to share their religion.

But at the same time, this does not imply that I've converted. I mean...being touched is one thing. But Somehow I'm still not ready to commit. When he was dragging the cross, I wonder which was heavier? The sins and failings of human nature, or the cross itself?

I really don't know yet.

But I do pray. And I still will. I believe in doing "good" and to constantly remember never to do things to harm others. I am not one without sins, I love good food, good things and I have my own desires, selfishness and all...

But I'll always remember to show "love" and be a "good" person. What'll happen to me after I die...I really don't know.

Still i'll stick to my "faith" in love (for family, friends and even mankind) for the time being.

Still overwhelmed...

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Being ME

Just so like mindlessly send out an email asking the world if they want to go with me w/o even asking the approval of the one who dished out the invitation and happily sound like I was kind of "forced" to go and yeah...basically being insensitive.

Wonder why is it that I seem to unwittingly hurt certain ppl whom I haf no wish to hurt at all.

Think I'm better hiding in my shell. I can be very dangerous even without knowing it.

Too ashamed to be replying...So i'll do what I do best.



That's what I REALLY hope i'll be doing.


Well, went home yesterday, went for a hair treatment plus a trim which cost my mum $50 and made me look ALL "Dood" again cos my fringe is short once more!;(

Then then..i came back, read i magazine, and watched ALOT ALOT of tv...both new and repeat drama serials...I'm TERRIBLE.

And so...the day past. I tried calling twin 3 times too but cld not get her in her rm...but i did talk to stef! =) I complained to both of them abt me not studying...and guess what were their reactions?

Twin:"Dun worry lah, you're just being yourself."
Stef:"Yeah, It's just so you..."

Hahaha...I guess friends do know me pretty well!

Came back and attended macro lect for the last time. As usual, I was late...but i FINALLY understood something! Am so proud of myself! Despite it being the last lect but still...

Hopefully all this "resting" all enable me to go further. Am starting to get worried after what my macro lect said about the book=no time to filp and think.

Sheesh...better be hitting my books. Not funny when exams are only abt 12 days away plus I've still got 2 term papers!


Tuesday, March 30, 2004


Just read an entry written by another friend which set me thinking...cos' he was contemplating ending his online diary once again...

Hong Ying once mentioned how she disliked blogs...felt like she was "infringing" on other's privacy. She had a point there when she mentioned that "what would a friend be? If all about oneself can be read online when almost everyone can gain access to it?"

True...but now that I've stopped making chit-chat phonecalls and stopped receiving them ever since uni..this is my only way out.

Only place where I can vent SOME of my frustrations and say almost everything I want...and allow my friends to read it and know abit more abt me...IF they do read.

At least I give them a choice, and myself a chance.

Felt like I was living in solitude after I entered Uni. My hall friends were the only ones I could turn to when I needed to cry. My bestest friends who had been with me throughout my sec and jc life are basically so far away...either in another uni or another cty, cos' of staying in hall without a phoneline, phonecalls are simply close to zero. I've kept quite a lot of emotions bottled up in me...not that it did me bad...but I feel that blog is a rather good option out.

Even if nobody read least I've "written" it out.

It's so weird how most "acquaintances" think that I'm forever smiley and happy-go-lucky when in fact most of the time I think i'm some miserable fool full of self-pity. Those who live near me and bother to keep up with my msn nicks would know this other side of me...cos' my face just tells everyone that "I'm stressed, unhappy so bug off"! I bet strangers think i'm weird too...cos' i dun like looking ppl in the eye anymore...Serious lack of confidence...But then again..I can get all high and chatty at times too...

I wonder why? I know I can't be such a cold cold person, my friends loved me for being the cheery and friendly "bear" who's full of nonsense.

Lots of old friends always think that I'm "busy" cos' I've too many friends to attend go out with and what not...but is that true?

Is that why I was left alone on my birthday? Cos' everyone else thought that someone was bound to ask me out?

Honestly, If I had been in a worse mood, I might have cried when my ex-crush asked me what was I doing eating dinner in Hall on my birthday.

But I decided not to dwell on that, and I won't allow myself to sink in self-pity once again. It's too stupid.

If I wanna have friends, I gotta make an effort too.

And I'll try...

ALl right! won't be dwelling on this. Yeah...exams are more impt!!

Jia you shuhui!

Monday, March 29, 2004


Although I have already resolute not to. But I just can't help "hating" myself.

Today has been a day of wasted trips and ALOT ALOT of snoozing.

Only thing I can remember is me going to places only to find out that others have got there earlier, or that something has been cancelled.

I slept on the bus, the library and alot in the room despite having slept for 6 hrs last night.

Were the weird dreams I had last night the culprits? No... I think it's more like I've gotten some serious disease...LAZINESS! And my gosh...when my exams are less than 2 weeks away! The same time in two weeks time i'll be taking my first paper, yet I haven't completed my term paper...and I haven't started to study...

I so detest myself for that! Why WHY???

Sunday, March 28, 2004

My love life???

Had been thinking...about my twin's old old posting regarding ppl always "haunting" her.

The cat high boy who bears a resemblance of my ex "appeared" in NUS one yr earlier than he should and I was surprised to see him in my SS module. Then I saw this guy who just reminds me of my ex taking the same Gem. It's the face I think...the "loudness" and the mannerisms. He's pretty lame. Played with M&Ms in class last week. Talk about haunting.

But I had gotten used to it. Used to affect me the 1st 2 weeks I was in school but now i dun really care. Was suddenly thinking of my past love life last night. Wondering why is it that I am so uncomfortable with making guy friends now? In fact, I won't say I've known some guy I can REALLY say that he's a friend...just not comfortable with the idea of sharing too much of my life with strangers basically. So I tried recalling the past, how I became friends with the guy I've had a crush on and eventually developed fr there...hmm...seemed "easier" to communicate at a much deeper level back then! Hahaha...perhaps we had more time on our hands then. Had this urge to re-read the past "love letters", so I did, whilst in the midst of watching Winter Sonata...and well...It really didn't attract me that much anymore. Positive signs! Thought of K too! The other guy whom I one-sidedly had a "relationship" with...all the sweet smses...and attention he gave me...the hints I was dropping along the way...the "dates" I tried to ask him out...eventually came to nought for he's just the kind of guy who's cute, makes everyone fall for him...cos' he basically treats ALL girls who like him better. I had really went "all out" I think...only short of "telling him my feelings" (which i eventually did when he left the restaurant) but well...of cos the so-called friendship ended then. Only regret was I didn't sit beside him in the taxi that took the both of us home on his last day of work. We never got a chance to sit in the same taxi cos' he stays in Woodlands and I in the east...But that day was the only and final day...I kept thinking, if only I was sitting with him behind, I would have put my head on his shoulders even if he didn't allow it.

I mean...I would REALLY love to. And I would have if I could...the urge was SO strong.

Since then, it has just been crushes...and's nothing.

NOTHING at all.

I'm getting worried for myself.

Haha...Do i need love?

Perhaps. But I'm so happy without it...??? Wait...there's a paradox here...cos' I'm also having enough troubles WITHOUT it to begin with.

Hmm...well well...We'll see what goes...

Food Food and MORE FOOD...

Sat was A blk was actually quite fun! To be "vandalising the canvas". Laughing and scolding KS and J for destroying the canvas and raraing ppl like E and D whenever they held the spray paint. My personal fav are the hearts! We need some love ard ppl!!! ;P

Then we had pizzas and satays for dinner! The video showing was definitely the best part cos' it's really funny! (As usual) and well..I just think that I'm gonna b missing alot of people...The final yrs, those who couldn't make it back...and...sigh..=(

Decided to go home shortly after that. Dunno why but I'm very drawn to home lately! Mum was pretty surprised to see me back cos' she just "rejected" my auntie's lunch offer...but I bugged her to two weeks SHOULD be study week for I wld rather go for the lunch date this week cos' it has been such a slack one anyway...might as well complete it! So after watching All In and Winter Sonata(I love winter sonata so far!!! ;P) I woke up next morning just in time to bathe and get ready to meet my auntie for a buffet lunch at Gengkis Khan with my brother and mum! I was SO excited abt it cos' I had always wanted to go there but never had the chance! So...I practically "jumped" at it and ate ALOT ALOT!! It was quite freaky...the amt I ate...I've got such a huge appetite! Liked all the sashimi, unagi, black pepper crayfish, lobster salad and salmon teppanyaki! The cheese cake was not bad either and ice-cream...hmm...I couldn't really appreciate the premium oysters though! It's REALLY huge but abit too fishy for me! But wow...wat a feast! The funniest part was however...the fact that I got SO SO excited over all the different varieties of Dilmah tea they had...I drank like at least 6 cups of tea!! I know I'm wasteful but I really wanted to try!! I tried Oolong(Not bad!), Vanilla(Not that nice really), Peppermint (REALLY minty!),Lychee(smells nice!), ginger! Hahaha...I thought I was weird but I was happy!!!

SO...after eating so much, we just had to walk abt abit to digest and I saw so much nice clothes along the way I was like..ARRGH..if only i've the time to REALLY shop! But of cos' the lack of a figure plus cash is a prob so well...better not think too much! ;P

I admit. I'm vain. Few girls aren't! ;P

Came back to hall after the 3 gossipy ladies (me, my mum and my aunt) bought quite alot of food...(dinners for the rest of e family). It's the auntie's "farewell" party tonight. She'll be going to work in a factory instead with a slight pay increment...I do hope that she'll be happy there too! Her son was rather sporting to be around and I think A blk tried our very best to make them feel welcomed and the whole atmosphere was rather nice! Warm and fuzzy...heee....It was interesting to be eating near the auntie and hearing ppl crack silly jokes...when we sang and welcomed the auntie with lots and lots of clapping...she said that today's her happiest day. She seemed truly happy...I'm glad. =)

Well, that dinner is also high on carbo and sugar aka high in calories. So I must remedy this situation soon!

STEER CLEAR OF "GOOD FOOD" for the rest of the month! hahah (which is only 3 days...)

I'm a cheater bug! ;P