I am just Me. Am I?

Friday, October 29, 2004

Just a thought

I've friends around me who are by nature very friendly and happy people. Therefore they attract people of the opposite sex rather easily, so they may never stay single for too long. It may be difficult to comprehend initially but I think all my friends love seriously. For they're always in pain should any break up happens.

And of cos' I've friends who's got so much passion, they love rather easily, but these people are seemingly constantly in emotional turmoil. In pain when their loved ones are in agony, elated cos' their loved ones are happy.

Then there's me. Who's hiding away behind a wall or a barricade or something.


Jia you for my term papers!

It's not very funny...but I hope I can manage it still.

2000 I come!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Nice weather

I am fighting the urge to not head back to bed...the weather is too good to NOT sleep...haha...what a dilemma I'm facing.

Never felt SO SO reluctant to wake up this morning.

Rain rain...go away?

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Spooked - by 2 vivid dreams

It has been extrememly comfortable to sleep the past 2 nights...but I've had terrible dreams it's scary.

All right, Sun's night one wasn't so bad. Just that it's so vivid. I dreamt of many people, friends from st nicks, hwachong, even my hall! I dreamt that K was involved with QW. A very unlikely pair but nonetheless so vivid I almost thought it was real! Weird thing is I haven't even talked to QW for such a long time. Why her of all people? As for romance with sexual connotations...the last one I watched was 2046 which was quite some time ago, how come now then dream such a weird dream???

Last night's one was a lot worse. I dreamt of me, flaring up in front of K, KT and SM. Then walking out of them cos' we couldn't stick to our initial plan and refused to join them for something else. (Throwing a tantrum is something I've done before, and something which is likely to happen again in spite of my age!!!)

Then I was walking back past the playground to my house, I mewed at this HUGE cat-like thing (which I somehow think it could be a girl) but well, cos' of my mewing at it on the slide, it came pouncing on me and it was rather horrifying cos' I needed help to get rid of it! But the worse thing was me meeting a ghost in the lift! And it wasn't just me alone! I was in the lift with 3 other girls, and we all avoided this space in the lift cos' we felt a presence there. But later 2 other girls clothed in the same clothes wanted to come in. One managed to get in when the other didn't. But we told her to squeeze in still, and so the "thing" was displaced and it ended up behind me! It was a huge flow of gas kind of feeling, but it clung on to me...all the way until I was on the staircase back home. I was REALLY REALLY scared. But nothing I did managed to drive it away. Until I quietened down, found "peace" in my heart..and I knelt down and prayed. Then I felt it leaving me...

It's REALLY spooky cos' it's the first time I've dreamt of a ghost without a form (which makes it even more scary) and the setting is so real I really believed it! I even repeated the story to my mum after I went back home! And...I probably would continue to dream if not for the fact that I set my alarm at 5:40 this morning. Of cos' I didn't wake up that early but well...didn't feel like going back to my bed again when I finally woke up.

What is my dream trying to tell me? That I shouldn't be so angsty and to calm down so that I'll be at peace and be in good health? Or that I've done too many things that I should be guilty about and it's time to repent?

Or is it time for me to enter a religion?

I dunno...=(

Hmm...any advice? Who knows how to interpret dreams?

Okay...back to my essay outline. Jia you Shuhui!

What kind of a girl were u?

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Girly Girl

What kind of little girl were YOU?
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Monday, October 25, 2004

The insecure side of me...

I am me. With all my insecurities. But I am me.

I'm sorry to have made some people upset again (as usual)...haha...I tend to do alot of things like that.

Perhaps I'm someone who actually needs a lot of attention but am afraid of getting the attention.

And I would like to apologise to all that have read and am sick and tired of my nonsense. I do admit that I lapse into this phase of self-pity far too frequently. In fact, I dislike myself like this too.

I guess it's just a matter of adjusting my xin1 tai4 ba.

Haha, I've the weakness of being an escapist. Like I'ld prefer to run away from my problems then to confront them. Which doesn't help things cos' ignoring it doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. ;P

I think i'm actually very self-centred. Like how I tend to be over-sensitive and think that my friends are upset with me when in actual fact they are not. But luckily i clear all these misunderstandings and doubts almost immediately now...i guess that's a change for the better. =)

Had my last spa treatment package today. It was an oil I'm really not used to it...i think I almost BROKE under the strength of the petite shoulders and neck was REALLY stiff so it was quite uncomfortable initially! But well...when she was massaging my head I think I actually fell asleep!

Haha...I must train to be a better tai tai and start to appreciate these massages man! ;P

And yeah...Made strawberry and banana milkshake! Wow...full of goodness! hahah...and MEL's party rocked! I had loads of fun eating good food and playing german bridge and basically just screaming and laughing my head off! =)

But there WAS one thing that bothered me. When the boss said, "you are just an A-blocker".

I was rather guilt-stricken.

It's true, it's my fault, for I chose to stay away and to stay in my comfort zone. I haven't been socialising much and talking to ppl whom I haven't seen in a while. I dunno if I wld have things to chose to stay away.

I shouldn't have I know...but i'm feeling so insecure nowadays I'm also at quite a loss. So...when they dun ask me over, I choose to stay put.'s ok. It's over. But i can try and improve things another time.

Yeah...should try and concentrate on my work!!! 2 essays to be done...and no research was done! haha...tight schedule!

Jia you!