I am just Me. Am I?

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Back from SLO

I just got back from SLO and I dunno how come...I just feel so much emotions I feel that I had to blog.

After so many days of MIA cos' i'm seriously tired.

I never was a person of alot of confidence. My weight, my inability to academic achievements used to be a pillar for support but that soon fell apart.

I was becoming a person of little self-worth.

I din know what others thought of me being a Fwocer. But it happened last year. It did. But I don't know if it mattered to others except for me.

The pain, the tears, the struggles. I've been through it all and i'm proud of it. Though I am umhappy with myself and I know it is my fault for not being part of FWOC this year but I believe I truly love the hall.

Tonight's SLO was unexpected. Made arrangements to have supper with my HC classmates but it turned out that SLO was close to 3 hours. Amazing cos' previous SLOs were never like that. Thought that FWOC was "changing" cos' it seems like ONLY praises were being dealt out every night but it wasn't the case tonight.

All the exchange made me realised alot of things...alot...I dunno how to put them all down...I felt that sometimes I behave like an ignorant girl...all right...make that MOST of the time...perhaps it's my own own fault for not daring to speak up...for not being around...such that I feel like i'm being outcasted every where I go.

I didn't know if I really belonged to anywhere. My hip and happening group of friends from St nicks...I love them all...yet sometimes I feel like I can't join in their conversations. My best pals from HC. My friends from A blk...My they feel like i'm one of them??? I dunno...

Went to hug cherlyn cos' she was SUPER nice to me last year when I was her fwocer. Prabs asked if it was some girl loving thing...I wanted to was an encouragement from a past Fwocer. But I'm scared he might have seems like alot of seniors have "forgotten" how fwoc was like last year. But I never will.

Am proud of Don. He's so diplomatic and makes so much sense.

Am proud of Swee Yong, whom I thought will be super quiet but is now brimming with Love for KR and becoming very vocal.

Cherlyn for doing such a good job.

Am especially proud of Shai, my partner for saying so much sensible stuff.

I'm not sure if any of that is any of my credit...I doubt it...never thought I was a good fwocer.

But I love the hall...and I'll like the Master. Cos' Nick says that he's a good man. And I respect Nick.

As simple as that.

Sunday, August 01, 2004


I was watchin "Ai Shang Nv Zhu Bo" with my mum last night...Cried my eyes out as usual. Useless girl. But I was horribly touched. Convinced myself that the person I would REALLY like to meet now is someone who will dote on me...


Have been thinking about alot of things. And ZW's latest post reminded me of a lot of past memories too. ZW...I'm not sure if you'll feel comforted but I dun exactly love that place either. In fact, I think I used to hate it very much at a point of time...such that I refuse to even think much about it.

HC.A place where I realised that 10 A1s are useless cos' my results were so bad. I stupidly thought that I should do Science cos' of my future. But Physics was simply not my cup of tea had no choice but to drop it and feel stupid in front of the "insulting" teacher who told I was the one who scored an E in A levels. Bwahaha...My A level results...from being among the best in my grp of st nicks friends...I ended up being one of the worse. Which determined my future...a FASS student who performs only averagely in NUS, in Singapore. Where was the girl who wanted to be the best in PSLE? Where was the girl who always dreamt of doing her university overseas? Now i'm just an average girl...who aims to pass. Nothing else.

HC. A place where I've fulfilled some dreams...and had others broken. I successfully become an actress in Huang Cheng. It wasn't exactly very glam...but I got my wish...and people got to know me. I gave up council...went for Zhiwei...become a director subsequently. It was all that I wanted. And honestly I'm glad for that. I got the love which I wanted. Wasted it...and had my heart broken.I had the sweetest memories...and the most painful ones there. My laughter, my tears. My confidence and my inferiority. I was at my slimmest there too! I remembered the times when my classmates used to "talk behind my back" and say that I'm fat...yet when I was eatin biscuits...they were seriously quite concerned for me and told me nice things like I was slimmer...too bad the "urge" to be slim didn't last after I left Hwachong. Cos' I didn't have to see someone and try and make him silly I was then.

HC. My friends. I got to know my twin. She's a great person who showed me what jovial and energetic means...=) There was ZW who's been with me the whole time...who helped me get together wif e person I liked...and who stood by me after that wif lots of encouraging articles and letters. QY who taught me more abt life...and ppl...KF n ZR who was there...and of cos' BH and PJ who never failed to bear with my nonsense and our "Sad Diary"...I had alot of support fr them...w/o them I might not EVEN b a uni student...but...I dunno...It must be partly my fault. Being at different places...we simply dun meet up so often. We all have our individual lives to live. Such that...when I went back yesterday...I actually felt a tinge of sadness that nobody asked me to go back with them. Yeah...really...nobody...I had to ask S and SR who were my "sisters" on the Chiang Dao Trip to go back with me...and the rest met up in HC...perhaps...I've friends...but I wasn't that impt to them...I dunno...I dun think I shld harp on this any longer. Not gg to do me much good.

Yeah...painful memories should be put aside. I shouldn't think too much. What for?

All things happen for a reason...i'm sure. We're supposed to become stronger. Supposed to. Ppl hurt me...either intentionally or not. But I'm sure i've hurt others too. Once I think of that...I feel like I can "forgive" and "forget"...since I'm no saint myself...

I must learn not to hate myself either too...sigh...what a life...what a world.