home sweet home?

After "suffering" under the cruelties of my term papers...I decided to go home last night to "take a break".

But sigh...ended up making my mum "upset" cos' she felt like i was defending my father.

Oh man...it was all over the square piece of thing that holds the bread package together!

I guess what sparked off the series of cursing was because I didn't help my mum clear the table after dinner. I admit that was my fault...but my mum didn't ask me to help...instead she just told me how irritating my father was cos' he ate the bread before any of them did. Then she started to complain about how irking it is that he manages to eat up the plastic piece too.

I told her not to be so angry cos' it's bad for her health...and that my father probably didn't mean to lose that square piece.

THEN she flared up.

OMG...what wrong did I do man?

In fact, I found the square piece of plastic on the floor later. Apparently my father could have NOT tied it up properly, and my mother had flung it to the floor...but still???

My mum then threw up this big fuss about me defending my father, and subsequently said quite alot of hurtful things...which included things like "why bother coming back home when you're so useless and not contributing"...

blah and blah...so many times I wanted to rebutt...but I just decided to turn a deaf hear.

And I'm glad I did.

Wanted to go to bed immediately at 10...but my brother stopped and asked me about what happened.

I'm so glad I had the chance to talk to him...I think my brother is so sensible...and actually alot more brave than I am.

I am indeed very lucky to be staying in KR...to be able to be "out" of all the "miseries" of my home.

I think...being away for so long...has made me forgotten what made me decide to "leave" in the first place.

My brother is right...there IS a problem with our family...and it's no point trying to deny the existence of this problem.

Thing is...things are unlikely to change for the better...cos'...of the characters of my parents.

After a talk with my father a few weeks ago...I FINALLY understood why he was such a father.

Why is it that he has received so much education, learnt so much, yet contributed nothing to the family. Cos' he always thinks that he's meant for something better. That he should pursue his own desires to fulfil his own dreams. At the expense of his family, and to the extend of "borrowing" from others...with no intention of "returning"...because he believes that those who are willing to lend...trusts him enough to take the risk...and he doesn't want to make a promise to "return"...cos' in the event that he cannot...it'll be a broken promise.

OK. So that's the reason why he can go on business ventures, not provide for the home for most of his lifetime...and technically "live off" others.

My brother actually did this "crazy thing" of talking to my parents...trying to make them understand why my mother always seem to be picking on my father, about how much stress and grievances my mother has been going through her entire life...and telling my father to stop trying to portray the image of a "loving and concerned" father in front of our teachers...and to either help out by earning A BIT of income...or to do housework since he's always at home.

But it didn't turn out well. My father does things in spurts. When he's happy he can do the dishes for a week...when he's not...he'll not even wash his own cup after drinking coffee and leave it there till the next time he needs it.

I'm not sure if my father cares. I would really like to think that he does. Despite not helping out in the maintanance of the family, showing his concern by talking to our teachers without our knowing or by reading our private letters and diaries...

I don't know. I've grew up listening to my mother complaining about my father...I've seen ugly stuff...gave up hope in marriages...but now...the only thing that comes to mind is that...my parents are old...it's time for me to do something for them rather than they feeding me.

I should learn to tolerate everything...even if i think i'm right...I've got to give in...and try even harder to keep my family together, without offending any party.

I also knew...that not only I felt the pain of such a family...my brother had been suffering too. And he had been really sensible about it. He even posted a question that put me to shame.

He asked if I've thought of who I want to be...what kind of things I hoped to achieve...

Maybe I had...but I've not dared to think after a while. I've lost the courage to even dream...

The only thing I could tell my brother is that I want to get a job...get my salary...and bring my mother to East Europe...for she has done so so so much for me...

I so want to cry...for the woes of my family...for the fact that both my brother and I know that there are other families with problems worse than us but we can't help but feel sad...

Where am I?

I really don't know what to say.

Am I afraid to think???

I know I am...