Packing and unpacking

Finally...I've got a day at home with nothing much to do...so...I did some packing.

Looked through a pile of papers which my mum was planning to throw away.

There were scripts of all the plays I was involved in CLDDs in St Nicks. PUN camp file. Scripts of my class assembly skit even, letters, contact lists...interview comments...my past essays and "zhou jis".

I wish...that I was young again.

I realised that I haven't changed much really. I'm still as "grumbly" and "sad" as before! Most of my "zhou jis" were on friends and friendship...about how I cherish them and how I'm not sure if it will last and how my father objects to me spending time and all.

But there IS one big great difference. I used to spend so much time with all my friends. Going out, talking on the phone, writing letters and notes. I found some letters from "angels" i didn't know i had! I was sad, I was uncertained, but I complained alot to my friends...and they helped me out by consoling me!

But what has became of me now? I haven't chatted on the phone for...maybe years? No one now knows about my daily happenings and feelings except for my mum maybe? When I meet up with my SN friends, I dunno 9/10 of the people or the things they are talking about cos' the majority were in different JCs and different unis/halls. No one has asked me out the past 2 weeks. I was stuck at home on a public hols though I really wanna shop but no one was free. I didn't know who to ask too...and I watch movies/go shopping alone now.

Yes I save alot of time...but where are my friends?

Is that the reason why I've become even more irritating and even more "miserable" then before?

Cos' I dunno who are the people in my life anymore?

Or is it...all just part of growing up? This drifting apart?

Or am I not putting in enough effort?

What should I do? I think I've lost all my knack for communicating! I dunno what to say when I'm with my colleagues. But I used to be such a chatterbox! I always liked to be busy! To be going out frequently...to be on the "go"!

The people I knew all thought that I was extremely popular. Yes my msn list is almost full. But what for when I can leave it on for one day yet talk to no one? The same goes for my icq list.

I think i received 4 xmas sms well-wishes and only 1 xmas card.

I no longer receive new year well-wishes.

What's wrong? Where have all my smiles gone?

Am I destined to be alone? I'm starting to feel more and more lonely.

I think I really am growing old.

I miss SN, I miss Hwachong and the many many many activites I used to take part in.

I miss KR too.

I miss the old, smiley, happy, bubbly, and "active" me.

Where are you?